▶ Your Answer :
There
might be some people who believe that the extended family is still very
important. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for two
subsequent reasons. First, the extended family rarely live in the same
household. Second, more people are moving away from their hometowns to study or
work.
- Intro 내 Hook이라고 할 만한 문장들이 부족합니다. 미괄식으로 주제 및 이유를 분명히 한 점은 좋으나 입장 소개 이전에 elaborate하는 부분도 신경써주세요.
To begin
with, extended family members seldom live in the same household these days.
They spend much less time together because people today are too busy to visit
other family members' houses, which are far from their places. This means that
they are less likely to be involved in each other's lives. For example, when
my mother was a child, most extended family members lived in the same house. My
mother hung out with her cousins and interact with them, so she was very close
to them. In contrast, I only meet my cousins once or twice a year during major holidays and family
gathering only, so I do not have close relationships with them. Because we grew up
in different houses and have not spent much time together. We will never be an
important part of each other's lives.
On top of
that, many people leave their hometown to seek education and careers. Because
big cities have more job and education opportunities than countries, most of
the younger people are moving to cities. On the other hand, the elderly remain
in their hometowns. This means that people today often live in different cities
or countries than their family. According to a poll conducted by the Chinese
government, 20 percent of Chinese college students answered that they have a
desire to emigrate after graduation abroad to study or gain a job, even though
it meant that they would almost never see their families. Although China is a country where most people have felt that extended
families are important, there is a significant increase in the importance of extended family according to the research. This clearly shows that the importance of extended
families that people have thought is getting less these days.
In
conclusion, extended family members no longer share living spaces together, and people are
indefinitely relocating to areas away from where they grew up. In this regard,
I feel that the extended family is not as important as it was in the past.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD
|
GOOD
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FAIR
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FAIR
|
FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- 구체적인 예시 + 설명이 잘 갖추어진 글입니다. - 2nd paragraph 내 일부 주장을 elaborate하는 과정에서 Research예시 제시 - 다시 주제에 대한 입장과의 연결 고리를 다시 한 번 확인 후 좀 더 매끄럽게 이어질 수 있게 수정해주세요. |