▶ Your Answer :
Schools play a significant role in people's lives in many of the places where they work or play. (Not appropriate) Some people think that improving schools is the best way to make a progress of a country, while others do not think this way. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their ideas. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that improving schools is the most effective way for a country progress. There are several reasons as follows.
To begin with, if schools provide students with good education, it will help the economic progress of the country. Students educated well with good education tend to be creative and rational. (State evidence) When these personal qualities are developed, they are likely to make many companies which can support the country's economy. (Unclear point) For example, Israel is famous for it unique education system. It Parents and teachers in Israel encourage children s students to think by themselves, be curious about everything. (So then?) Students learn how to find answers by themselves at school, and as a result, they become creative, not being afraid of a failure. (Lack of coherence) This results in an establishment of many start-up companies, which contribute to economic boom the economy by developing a new industry. There was a report that 60% of youngsters in Israel work in new industrial areas eras which get them earn a lot of money, while the world average is only 20%. (What does this report indicate?) This shows that having a good education is important for company's economic growth.
In addition, when students are taught by ethically good moral teachers, the crime rate of the country can be lowered. Attitudes and habits are formed learned since from when people are very young, and those are not easy to be changed as there goes a saying, "Old habits die hard". When However, if schools teach proper social-norms to students, they will not commit crimes when they become adults get old. According to a study conducted by Harvard University, the researchers found a huge difference between two groups of young adults. One group was composed of those who were neglected by teachers at their elementary schools, and the other group consisted of those who were taught by educationally good wise and moral teachers. The researchers found that the former was more likely to commit a crime than the latter by 30%. (What factors affected students to change?) This shows that having a good education is vital for a country's crime rate.
To sum up, improving schools' educations can benefit a country economically and lower the crime rate effectively. In this regard, I firmly believe that providing a good education is the most effective way to develop a country.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 2 | Score | Fair 16-19 | -다양한 아이디어들이 제시되었다는 점에서 contents가 다채롭게 느껴졌지만, 불필요한 구문과 이해하기 어려운 문장들이 글의 흐름을 방해하고있고 연계되지 않는 부분들이 많아 감점요인이 많았습니다. 교정해드린 부분 참고하여 다시 수정해보시기 바랍니다. |
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