For most, traveling plays an important
role in their lives. There are obviously many opinions regarding this topic,
but it is evident that it is good for high school students to travel around the
world before they enter a university. The concepts of stress and success
clearly show this idea.
First of all, high school students are
too stressed out. (generalization 은 위험합니다. 차라리 most of high school
students가 더 나을 수도 있어요.) However, through traveling, they can forget about
studying for a little bit when they have too much on their plate. This is why,
if they travel around the world, the situation will help them get rid of
stress. A really good example is my experience. The fact that I was going to
travel after graduation of high school, helped me release my stress. This
happened when I was only getting 5 hours of sleep because I had to take an exam
for entering a university. I had an outlet. After ending the exam, I shortly
went on a round-the-world trip. After the traveling, I was able to get away
from my daily routine and refresh myself. This same situation would apply to
other high school students who plan to travel around the world before they
enter a university. They will forget about a stressful situation.
Second, it can be good for students’ future career. Students
need a lot of experience to succeed. Therefore, if high school students go on a
travel before entering a university, they will get ahead of the curve. Take my
friend Joo-min experience, for example. She became successful because traveling
helped her develop various perspectives. Through the travel, she could
learned many different things,
such as open-mindedness and different cultures. She experienced valuable things she
could not learn in the classroom. After graduation of graduating(문법이 틀린 건 아니지만,
graduating이 더 자연스럽습니다.) university, she could easily get a job (was able to get a job easily
가 마찬가지로 더 자연스러워요!) because most of companies prefer to hire a person who has various
experiences. As a result, she became one of the top earners in her
industry. This example is comparable to other high school students who are
going to travel around the world before they enter a university. They will
achieve great success. (또 generalization을
하셨어요. They have higher chances of achieving great success 하시면
더 좋을 것 같아요.)
To some, it may seem like it is better for high school students to do
other things before they enter a university. However, through the two examples
related to stress and success, one can logically conclude that high school
students would be better go on a trip around the world before entering a
university.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Good (24-30)
Overall Comment:
글의 흐름도 좋고, 포인트도 매우 잘 잡아주셨어요. 글은 전체적으로 매우 좋습니다. 하지만 사소한 문법 실수들이 몇
가지 있고, generalizing 이 너무 많습니다. 이런
표현들은 위험할 수도 있으니 ‘전체가 그렇다’ 이런 표현보다
‘이래서 더 높은 확률도 이렇다’ 이게 좋을 것 같아요. 수고하셨어요!