Some people think that famous
athletes and entertainers deserve the large amounts of money they are paid.
However, I disagree with this opinion since their degree of contribution to
society is not high enough and their struggles
in order to be an athlete or an entertainer is not exceptionally high compared to the other jobs.
To begin with, sports players’ and
entertainers’ contributions to society is are
lower compared to the other occupations which
receive almost the same amount of money. This
means their payments are not reasonable considering their social value. For
example, a poll conducted by the Korea Consensus related to job fields shows that
people thinks society contribution levels of
entertainments and sport department is are
lower than other job departments. The researcher chose 5 job fields – sports,
entertainments, business, education, medical- and contacted 500 people
who were asked to choose the most contributing job and the lowest contributing
one. As a result, over 70% of the people responded that contribution level of
sports and entertainments fields are the lowest. This is because the other 3
fields of jobs can give direct contribution but, sports and entertainments
fields only give emotional joy.
On top of that, the athletes
and entertainers’ effort for developing their
talents are not in that much different to the other career. People who want to
have other occupations struggle like or more than athletes and entertainers.
Let’s take an example of my friends, I have two friends and
each of them hope to be a singer and be a psychologist. (이 문장은 ‘난 친구가
두 명 밖에 없다’ 라고 해석이 될 수도 있어서 어색해요.) [My
friend who wanted to be a psychologist studied 16 hours a day for Korean SAT in
high school days. After graduation(?). He could major in psychology at
the Seoul national university. and he should struggle to take bachelor’s degree. Plus after graduation of the university he should study
more than 6 years to get a doctor’s degree. In short, after
graduation from high school, He studied almost 10 years to become a
psychologist.] (이 파트가 해석이 어렵습니다. 문법도 어색한 부분도 많아서
어느 순서가 맞는지, 무슨 뜻인지 정확히 파악이 어려워요. 친구가
나중에 공부를 더 해야 한다는 내용인지, 이미 했다는 내용인지 헷갈립니다. Could, should 사용이 부적절해요. ) However, my friend who wanted to be a
singer spent only 6 years being a famous singer (to become a famous singer 이 더 적절할 것 같아요.) after graduating from high school.
graduation. As shown in the case of my friends, entertainers’ efforts are not larger than other careers.
In a
nutshell, taking the degree of society contribution and needed efforts to gain
the job, large payments for entertainers and sports players are not fair. In
this regard, I hold athletes and entertainers has have no qualifications
for a lot of money.
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Comment:
포인트를 잡기가 어렵습니다. 연예인이나 운동선수가 사회기여도가 낮다고 말씀하시는 것 같은데, 일반화는
위험합니다. 실제로 근거로 사용하시는 자료는 일반인들에게 설문조사를 시켜서 ‘어느 부서가 사회 기여도가 가장 낮을 것 같나’ 라는 객관적이지 못
한 설문조사를 증거로 사용하셔서 논리적으로 적합하지 않습니다. 마찬가지로 두 번째 문단에서, 노력이 비교적으로 운동선수 및 연예인들이 다른 직업에 비해서 낮다고 하셨는데,
이것 또한 논리적으로 위험한 발언입니다. 일반화를 하시는 건 논리적으로 좋지 않다고 생각합니다.
글의 문법 또한 오류가 잦습니다. 중간에 제가 빨간색으로 칠한 부분 특히 어떤 내용인지 파악하기가 어려운 점이 있습니다. 수의 일치 실수가 잦고, should, could 등등 사용이 적절하지
않습니다.