There is a famous Korean
movie named “Twins” which is about two girls who are twins. One of them pursues
success with all her efforts while the other simply has confidence. (in what?) The story ends with the latter one successes
successful. As this movie shows, there’s more
than efforts to success.
To start with,
relationships plays a crucial role in success. To illustrate,
relationships is are
not simple enough that people can change everything with effort. A person’s
mind can change at any time. That person may be
amicable towards you even though you don’t try hard to keep good relationships
or that person may have bad feelings towards you even though you want to keep
good relationships. People have different standards with different tastes. As relationships
plays a critical role in success as people always need helps from his or
her around to succeed (이 문장이 너무 길어서 어색합니다), meeting someone or leaving someone can be considered as luck. To give
you an idea, Bill gates said on one of his interviews that if he didn’t meet
Paul Ellen, his partner, there might not be Microsoft. Therefore, relationships which relates with luck is an important part
of success.
In addition to this, situations play crucial roles in success.
To be specific, economic environments, political
situations, and people’s tastes are examples of situations. These situations
cannot be changed with one’s efforts. The overall situations are impacted by
every individual in the community. Say a person’s job is a car seller. The
success of that person would not only depend on his or her efforts but also the
economic situations of the citizens because people would buy more of the
cars with better economic status. Also the
plummeting prices of resources for cars would
help him succeed, and the prices of oil would impact him as well. In this
aspect, big changes surrounding us decides our success.
In conclusion, success
includes various factors unrelated to efforts such as relationships and the
situations around us.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Good (24-30)
Overall Comment:
매우 좋습니다! 글도 적당히 길고, 포인트도 잘 잡아주셨고, 흐름도 매우 자연스러워요. 몇 가지 작은 실수들만 고치시면 더 좋은 글을 쓰실 수 있을 것 같아요.