▶ Your Answer :
Some
people argue that the government has to provide financial aid to artists.
However, in my opinion, this perspective is not true for two following reasons
which I am going to elaborate. First, it is not fair for the people of the
country. (모든 사람들에게 불공평한게 아니니, 정확히 누구에게 불공평한 건지 명시해 주세요.) Second, there are numerous
areas which need the government's support more desperately acutely than the art field.
To
begin with, the policy of the government's financial support to artists is
unjust. To be more specifically specific,
the government's budget is usually made by the people's tax. People pay thier
their tax for the country's welfare and
development. That's why the government has to use thier their money fairly. However, if the government spends the budget without the
people's consent, people will get to lose their trust for the
government. For example, the situation in my country illustrates this
phenomenon. The Korean government passed the law of regular financial support
to artists three years ago. Due to this law, the government ceased the support
to the people who did not have jobs and money to
live. As a result, numerous people who depended on the government's aid became
sick since they could not eat some food. Many people opposed about
this new policy because it is not fair. Eventually, the Korean government
abolished this policy just after a year. This proves that the government should
not provide financial support to specific specialtists specialists such as artists.
On the
top of that, the government should spend their budget
on other areas such as environment protection or science rather than the useless art area. If the government provides financial support to artists, it is sure that many
competent artists will grow. However, it is not useful for the country's
development. Instead, they can use that money on necessary things like the
project for a renewable energy source. This is
more practical since it can help the country develop fast. For instance, the
a survey was conducted by the Korean central
budget agency with current employees as respondents. The purpose of the survey
was to understand the consensus view of how to use government's budget
efficiently. Only 5% of the respondents ansewered answered that it is better to spend money for artists.
However, an overwhelming 85% of the participants responded that they have to
use money in order to protect the environment. They also said that the
government's budget have has to be used to
use for practical areas. This survey proves that people have a negative
view of financial supporting to artists.
All things considered, I firmly
believe that the the government should not provide financial support to
artists since it is not fair and it is quite useless and not practical.
Consequently, the government should use thier its
budget to people who need aid necessarily and to protect the environment.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Fair (17-23) |
Score |
22 |
Overall
Comment: |
Good job! 포인트를 잘
잡아주셨습니다. 흐름도 매우 매끄럽고요. 다만 문법 오류가 좀 많아서 감점을 드렸습니다. 위 지적사항들을 확인해 주시길 바래요. 추가적인
코멘트를 드리자면, 예술이 왜 필요가 없는지, 왜 차라리 다른 분야에 투자를 해야 하는지에 대해서 더 설명을 하셨으면 설득력이 더 좋았을
것 같습니다. 수고하셨어요. |
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