▶ Your Answer :
TV (처음에 TV라는 표현을 쓰시기 전에 Television이라고 먼저 사용하신
이후 TV를 쓰시면 더 좋을 것 같아요.) is an essential medium to help us understand what is
happening in the world. Every program such as news, documentary and even comedy
refers to the current lives. As programs deliver the
information (이 문장은 조금 어색합니다. 생략해주셔도 좋을 것 같아요. 생략해주신 이후 다음 문장이 오기 전에 intro를 넣어주시거나, 다음 문장 및 마지막 문장을 합쳐주시면 더 흐름에 좋을 것 같아요.) I disagree with the statement that TV programs should
show that good people have to be awarded and the bad have to be punished.
Following are the two reasons why I do not
support the statement.
TV programs have to offer objective information to audiences. Even though
a good person was treated unfairly, programs have to show this information. All
audiences have the right to know how the society is going on. Also, the wrong
culture or accidents can be fixed after people get to know
this incident. One of my favorite documentary programs broadcasts accidents
that happen in our society such as innocent person
was punished (이건 ‘the punishment of innocent people’ 으로
바꿔주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다.) and this is which
were uncovered for years. Since the program gives facts objectively,
people can see a tragedy and correct it. When
the media are controlled even with the a positive
purpose, they lose their power as media.
On top of that, people can distinguish what is good or bad even though
media do not beautify the fact. For instance, when a politician is rewarded
through wrong methods, people could consider that he
is not worth taking the reward. Finally, he gave the reward back as the citizens scolded his unfair reward. (어떤 정확한 사건에 대한 정보인가요? 아니면 그냥 예시를 들으신
건가요? When a politician is rewarded… 이 문장은 예시를 드는 것 같은데, finally, he gave the reward back… 이 문장은 어떤 정확한 사건에 대해서 말하는 것
같습니다. 통일해주세요.) Furthermore, people will be able to be interested
in news by telling whether an incident is fair or not.
To conclude, TV programs act as a deliverymen
who gives facts to us. They do not need to change the fact to give
people lessons, and media have to be upright. This is because people are
intelligent enough to distinguish what is on justice right or not. Media have the role to offer objective
information rather than to offer educational ones.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
Overall Comment:
반복적인 단어를 썼다는 느낌은 강하지 않아서 감점 요인이 될 것 같지 않습니다. 다만 문법적인 오류나, 위에 빨간색으로 칠한 내용들처럼 명확하지
않은 사항들이 감점 요인이 될 가능성이 커 보입니다. 하지만 전반적으로 포인트는 잘 잡아주셨어요.
|