▶ Your Answer :
Opinions
differ over whether developing fast leads to positive effect or not. Regarding
this issue, I believe that today’s people in developed society are happier than
people in the past. There are numerous reasons that could defend my position
but two compelling reasons will be explained in more detail in the following.
To begin with, the most crucial point that
should be brought up is increasing efficiency. To be specific, technology
development creates opportunities for people to get information and communicate
with others easily. The opposition asserts that people in the past are happier
than people now. However, their idea does not reflect on my position. 맥락상 오히려 흐름을 깰 수 있는 문장이니까 빼는 게 더 나을 것 같아요. As a
matter of fact, a lot of evidence indicates that their argument has no
credibility.
For example, my personal experience
illustrates why people should use smartphone. When I was 18-year-old, I couldn’t
go to school because I had health problem. Thus I didn’t get that many chances
to make friends although I wanted to make friends. I spentd most of my days
reading books and watching television alone. However, my routine changed completely
after using smartphone. With smartphone, I could communicate with others in my
room. Some friends visited my house and it was very fun. We had good times.
Through this experience, I realized that technology development helps people to
have a lot of fun. 앞부분에서는 '효율'을 강조했는데 뒤에서는 '즐거움'을 강조하기 때문에 일관성이 유지되지 못해요. 효율적으로 커뮤니케이션 할 수 있고 정보를 얻을 수 있어서 사람들이 더 행복하다는 주장을 보여줬으니까 사례도 그 내용과 연결해줘야 해요.
According
to a survey conducted by Harvard University, oOnly 25 percent of people
responded that they were usually happy 30 years ago, while 80 percent of today’s
people said that they are were happy. The same study also showed that 60% of those
in the latter group answered they had many tools which made them happy. 행복하게 해주는 tool을 많이 가지고 있다는 표현이 너무 애매한 것 같아요. 정보접근성이 높고 커뮤니케이션이 쉬워져서 행복도와 삶의 만족도가 높다는 주장을 앞에서 제시했으니까 이것과 관련지어서 사례를 만들어주는 게 좋습니다. Through
this research, it is obvious that today’s people are in more happy life than
people in the past.
All
things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has
been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above.
Writing 0–30 score scale Limited (1-16) Fair (17-23) ✓ Good (24–30)
입장이 명확하고 문장을 큰 오류 없이 잘 작성하신 점이 좋았습니다. 다만 논리흐름 면에서 조금 아쉬운 점이 있었어요. 문단 내용의 일관성이 유지될 수 있도록 사례 내용을 주장 흐름과 맞게 맞춰주시는 게 좋아요. 특히 지금 본론1에서 주장을 먼저 꺼내고 사례1, 사례2로 각각 본론2, 본론3을 나누었는데 실질적으로 본론1의 사족을 빼면 본론1은 문단으로 보기에는 양이 조금 부족해요. 지금 구성보다는 본론의 주장을 두 갈래로 나누어서 [본론1.정보접근성과 관련된 효율성이 더 높아서 오늘날 사람들이 만족한다+설명+사례][본론2. 사람들과 커뮤니케이션이 용이해서 사람들이 더 행복하게 산다+설명+사례]와 같이 구성하면 좀 더 토플에서 좋아하는 글 형식이 될 수 있어요. 내용이나 문장들 모두 좋으니까 구성에 좀 더 신경쓰시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고하셨습니다!
|