▶ Your Answer :
Some people may think that people who drive
their private cars during rush hour in a bustling city should be charged a
fee. However, I think that people should not be charged extra fees on
using their own cars during rush hour in a bustling city. (같은 내용이 두 번 반복되면 어색합니다.) This is because other incentives can let people
not to use their can discourage people from
using their (위 문장이 매우 어색해서 바꿔 드렸습니다.) own cars during rush hour, and it is not fair to charge
extra fees only on people who use their private cars in a rush hour. (위와 같은 이유로)
To begin with, people can stop usage of their own cars
when being provided with other incentives. Discounting public
transportation fees or increasing the convenience using
of public transportation can lead people not to use their own
cars. Since the costs to use one's own car are burdensome
to individuals, people would easily change their decisions
on using their cars when being offered favorable incentives. According to a
survey conducted by the University of California, people who have lived in
California, which has many bustling cities, responded that
they would not use their own cars, if they were offered by favorable
incentives. (위 문장이 너무 comma를 많이 이용해서 늘어지는 경향이 있습니다. 차라리 나눠서 쓰시거나 더 간략하게 쓰시면 더 자연스러울 것 같아요.) They agreed that discounting
public transportation fees or improving the convenience of subways or buses can
be one of them. This can indicates that
people can cease using their own cars when offered by favorable
incentives.
On top of that, charging extra fees only on people who
use their cars during rush hour is not fair at all. Rush hours in cities are
made when most people in the cities need to use their own cars
simultaneously in certain times. They may have to commute to the
workplace in the morning, or to go important meeting places in lunch
hours. However, charging fees to these kind of people is to invade their
liberties to use their own cars. and This is (한 번 끊어주고 가는 게 좋습니다.) unfair, since they use them
necessarily by particular reasons. If people had felt rush hours were
uncomfortable and other ways to replace their usage of their private cars would
have been existing existed, they would have
chosen them. According to a research conducted by the Texas University, more
than 70% of people who have lived in Texas responded that they have had no
choice but to use their own cars during rush hour. They have not had any
available alternatives not to use their own cars during rush hour and this
have leaded has leaded to traffic
congestions in bustling cities in Texas.
To sum up, people can deter
using their own cars by other incentives, and charging fees only on people
who use their own cars during rush hour is unfair. For these reasons, I
disagree with the statement that a person who drives his or her car during rush
hour in a crowded city should be charged a fee.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale
Good
(24-30)
Overall
Comment:
포인트는 잘 잡아주셨고, 글의 길이 및 흐름도 좋습니다. 하지만 몇 가지 문법상 어색한 문장들이 있어서 수정해드렸습니다. 너무 같은 표현을 반복해서 쓰시는 경향이 있어서 고쳐주시면 좋을 것 같습니다!
|