▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that
parents should dedicate more time to doing homework with their children.
However, I personally disagree with the above idea for two subsequent reasons.
First, children should relieve their stress. Second, playing games or sports
with parents increase the efficiency. (어떤 부분에서 효율성인지 구체적으로 적어주세요, 예 - 충분히 쉬어서 학습효율을 높인다 등) To begin with, student should relieve their
stress. To be specific, playing games and sports with their parents refresh
students and clear their head. In addition, today's competitive environment in
school made children compulsory to be under huge stress. According to research done
by the sociology department of Australian national university, suicide levels
among the youngsters have increased in the past ten years. This figure is
correlated with the number of applicants in top three universities in
Australia. (Correlation에 대한 설명이 충분히 되지 않았습니다.) The result clearly proves that the degree of students' stress from
studying is increasing each year. Therefore, parents have to lessen their
children by playing game or sports together. On top of that, playing games or sports
help students study efficiently. This may sound paradoxical because playing and
studying are opposite concept in general. However, this is because students cannot only study whole day and regular exercise precipitates brain functioning so
playing sports with their parents would be the best option to use their free
time. For example, when I was in a high school, I spend most my time studying.
Even though I spend so much time and put all my effort, my grades were too low
to get into the university. However, since I routinely played tennis with my
dad after school, my grades had increased remarkably. This was not because I
studied more but I felt refreshed during the class. I believe that this change
can be attributed to the exercise.==> 구체적으로 어떤 부분에서 효율이 높아지는지 (건강한 신체를 만들어 지구력이 좋아진다, 집중력을 기르는 게임을 하며 집중력을 향상시킨다 등 구체적인 혜택을 작성해주세요)
To sum up, dealing with the stress is the
most important for youngsters and regular exercise with parents help the efficiency
of their study. In this regard, children must spend a lot of time playing game
or exercising with their parents.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
|
ORGANIZATION
|
PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
|
LANGUAGE USE
|
GRAMMAR
|
FAIR
|
FAIR
|
LIMITED
|
FAIR
|
FAIR
|
각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
|
- 크게 복합적인 문장 / 고난이도 단어 없이 무난하게 작성되었으나 2번째 문단에서 코멘트에 적은 부분 참조하여 전체적인 내용 구성에 설명을 추가해주세요. 현재 이유 및 예시는 다소 vague합니다. |