▶ Your Answer :
It is often said that technology is meant to bring people closer together but it actually makes them more distant. I agree with the statement that being distant among people is affected by the improved technology for the following two reasons. First is that cooperation among people has been disappeared. Second, people have had addiction been addicted to technology a lot.
Some may oppose to this opinion, but first it assures that people don’t need to gather with the development of for something, so their cooperation is decreased. While many others consider that people still enjoy gathering regardless of developed technology. (Not essential) However, we cannot deny the fact that hard time experienced together makes us much closer. By the way, the quantity of our shared hard time to solve something has been significantly decreased by the technology, which means our bonding have been weaker than the past. (Awkward sentence) For example, when I was younger little, I had few things to solve my problem. So, whenever I had trouble with something, I had to called my friends and gathered and solved tried to solve my that problem by talking one another. As a result, we had been much closer by solving something difficult. But, these days when we face something challenging, we just use our cell phone or computer rather than seeing each other solve together. As our chances to meet friends have diminished by the technology, our relationships have been broken. With the experience, I realized that our relationship have been adversely affected by improved technology.
On top of that, there are problems not only about cooperation, but also about addiction. (Weak thesis) Although it may not be favored by the majority of our society, I believe that since people have been addicted to the technology, they haven’t paid attention to others. According to the recent research, the majority have agreed that they are obsessed with electronic equipment because they can do everything using that. (Such as?) In addition, last Friday, a well-known professor of Seoul National University in this field published an editorial in his study and as a result, his study supported my view. The survey claims that 75% of participants preferred spending time on using cell phone or computer rather than meeting others because using electronic instruments are much more fun than hanging out with friends. Also, the professor mentioned that new technology related to one’s life makes them become addicted to that and be alone.
To conclude, I strongly argue that my standpoints of two reasons are sufficiently convincing. The first is that the improved technology makes our bonding become weaker. Also, as people are addicted to the technology, they become much farther from one another.
채점기준표
Grammar 2
Contents 3
Example 2
Coherence 3
Score : Fair (18-20)
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