▶ Your Answer : Some people think that universities should spend their budget on libraries more than on sports. However, in my opinion, sports programs and libraries should get equal funding. This is because sports are good for the body and can teach students people how to interact with each other.
To begin with, sports activities play an important role in promoting students’ physical health. These days, it is a big problem being overweight in our society. More students are getting overweight without proper physical activities. They don’t have enough time to exercise because they are forced to study hard to enter a good university. 대학교 예산에 대한 내용이니 '좋은 대학에 들어가려고 열심히 공부한다'라는 내용이 들어가면 모순이 돼요. These situations, I think, In this situation, physical activities are more needed for students’ health. For example, many students are using a computer. They use it for homework, games and so on. They sit in front of the computer all day long and never play any physical activity. Inevitably, they gain a lot of weight and it can cause health problems. 공부하느라 운동할 시간이 없어서 비만문제나 건강문제가 대두된다는 내용을 앞에서 이미 설명했으니까 밑줄 친 사례 내용은 불필요해요. 컴퓨터로 게임하느라 운동을 안한다는 내용은 앞에서 공부하느라 운동을 못한다고 쓴 부분과 모순되기도 하고요. 사례 내용은 실제로 학생들이 운동부족으로 건강문제를 많이 겪고 있다는 점이나, 대학에서 스포츠시설을 제공했을 때 건강문제 개선에 실질적인 도움을 받은 사례 등을 넣는 편이 더 좋아요.If universities invest more money in sports facilities, and then students decide to excise more, I think, they can lose weight and become healthier.
On top of that, physical activities can make students to stimulate social interaction among students. This is because group sports, such as football, soccer, and basketball, require cooperation. social skill이 어떻게 길러진다는 것인지 설명을 더 해주세요. 그리고 social skill이 대학생들에게 중요하다는 내용도 같이 언급해주면 설득력을 높일 수 있어요. According to studies of social science, group sports are effective for developing sociality. For instance, I have a cousin who is twelve. He does not have any siblings, so he is always lonely and feels hard to interact interacting with others. one another. But, after joining sports club in school, he can easily interact with other students. So I realized that physical activities can help people for interacting with others.
To sum up, sports activities help students people become healthier and create opportunities for social interaction among students. In this regard, I strongly believe that spending on sports in universities is as more important than as spending on libraries.
Writing 0–30 score scale Limited (1-16) Fair (17-23) ✓ Good (24–30)
학생들의 건강이나 사교성 측면에서 스포츠도 중요하다고 주장한 점이 좋았습니다. 하지만 본론 내용을 전개할 때 내용상 모순이 생기거나 구체적인 설명이 빠진 부분들은 감점요인이 될 것 같아요. 내용 흐름에 더 신경써주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고하셨습니다~! |