▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly subjects which students learn
play a vital role in students’ lives in many of the place where they work or
play. Some people think that art and music will be mandatory subjects, while others
do not. Both sides may have several reasons to support their views. If I were
asked to choose one, I would say that children should learn art and music as
compulsory subjects. There are several reasons as follows.
To begin with, if children learn art and
music at school, they can have more creativity. aArt and mMusic requires them to
represent themselves freely and make a new image about our society. (art and music classes 다른 곳에서 다 소문자로 쓰셨으니 통일하시면 될 것 같아요) When these
abilities are improved in school, children can have more creativity than
others. For example, Seoul National University found a huge difference between
two groups of young children. One group was made of those who spend two more
hours studying art in school, and the other group consisted of those who had no
experience to attend an art class in school. The researchers found that the
former was likely to have a higher score on the creativity test than latter. In
particular, the former showed a special ability in making new ideas and
solutions in that test. On the other hand, the latter tended to be answered
basal solutions. This implies that art or music classes are the key factor to
foster creativity.
In addition, art and music classes can
contribute to an increase in overall happiness. It gives children a chance to
experience something different from what would do in their usual routine. A new
experience tends to prevent them from feeling bored in life. 설명 내용이 좀 피상적인 것 같아요. '일상에서 겪지 못했던 다른 것을 겪는다'라는 표현도 조금 애매한 것 같구요. 사례와 연관지어서 구체적인 설명이 가능하도록 스트레스를 풀어줘서 행복도가 높아진다는 부분을 주장으로 삼고 설명해주세요. For instance, when
my sister was in elementary school, she felt depressed thinking that her life
became an exhausting routine. To go to a good independent middle school, she spent a
whole day studying all academic subjects. Fortunately, she was able to deal with
such pressure and stress in a safe way by taking a mandatory art class. By
taking an the art class, she was able to let off some steam. 본론1처럼 이 사례가 갖는 의미를 덧붙여주면 좋을 것 같아요. 본론1과 분량 차이가 좀 나니까 이 사례가 이러이러한 점을 보여준다, 하고 정리하면 분량을 맞추는 데도 도움이 될 거예요^^
All things considered, I strongly believe that
the advantages of compulsory art and music classes far overweigh than those of having
art and music classes as elective subjects. All in all, art and music classes as
mandatory subjects are important in the pursuit of happiness and success in
life.
Writing 0–30 score scale Limited (1-16) Fair (17-23) Good (24–30) ✓
질문 내용에 맞게 답을 잘 구성해주신 점이 좋았습니다. 본론2에서 내용이 좀 피상적으로 흘러가거나 설명이 부족한 부분은 더 보완해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고하셨습니다~!
|