Those who disagree (목적어는? 무엇에 반대?) might say that mobile phones do not do play an important role in people’s freedom. However, in my opinion, people can get a huge amount of freedom by mobile phones. This is mainly due to the fact that people are able to communicate with others easily and obtain a lot of information quickly.
To begin with, with mobile phones, we can get more communication with others than what we did in the past. Before the emergence of mobile phone emerging, people had to send a snail paper mail or they had to meet each other face-to-face. However, today we can just call or text when we want to talk to our friends and it makes us save lots a lot of time and money. I will illustrate my own experience to explain this. When I was thirteen, I met Hyeji. We had a copious amount of common grounds thus we became a best friends very fast. We always got along together and when people saw us they thought that we were sisters. When we were 15, she had to go to England for her study. I was so frustrated because I thought her even as a member of my family. However, we could keep in touch thanks to the mobile phone. We could talk to each other and even could see each other during phone calls through our devices. Therefore, until now we are still a good friends and keep talking with our messengers. Without mobile phones, I would have never met my friend or I might have gone to her country (이 결론 문장의 포인트가 좀 엇나가네요).
On top of that, we are able to attain a large amount of information very quickly. In the past, we had to go to the libraries to get resources what that we want. However, nowadays, people can get information very freely through their mobile phones with just one touch. For example, a study was conducted by the University of Calgary in 2009 to determine whether mobile phone could affect students' assignment ability performance. Two groups were asked to write a long essay with a given theme. There were two groups monitored. The first group was formed of people who had dictionaries and books. They were asked to write a long essay with a given theme. The other group consisted of people who had mobile phones and were given the same direction. The researchers compared the outcomes and recorded that the latter group were able to finish their tasks faster and get better grades than the former group. This was because people with mobile phones could search the information quickly and also they could get information affluently. Also, they could compare check the validity of the resources whether it is true or not because people usually exchange their opinions in the internet (밑줄 친 부분과 정보의 진실성(true or not)은 어떤 관계?). This study demonstrated that mobile phones can be a useful device for students to make them free from place and time.
To sum up, because of the mobile phones, it is possible to communicate with people who are not in a same place and get a lot of information freely. In this regard, I firmly believe that people can take advantage of mobile phones to gain more freedom.
Writing 0-30 scale
Fair (23-25)
주장을 뒷받침하기 위한 두 point를 잘 정하고 설명했습니다.
다만 문법과 표현 면에서 부족하거나 어색한 부분이 있습니다.
TOEFL 글쓰기는 academic writing skill을 평가하는 시험입니다. 따라서 축약형 등 비격식체와 구어체를 피하고 정확한 영어를 사용해야 합니다.
명사의 단복수 및 관사(a/an/the/무관사)의 사용에 주의하세요.
그밖에 어색한 부분은 본문에 수정했으니 참고하세요.