There has been a heat debate over the issue of whether young adults are primarily influenced by their friends. Some people disagree with the statement have with their own reasons. However, I strongly agree with the argument (‘나는 ~~~이라고 생각한다’고 글쓴이의 주장을 명확하면 더 좋습니다.) because they spend a lot of time with their friends and always communicate with each other by electronic devices.
First of all, young adults spend a large amount of time being with their friends. Before young adults marry, they prone to meet their friends and discuss a wide range of things when they have free time. During such long time, they understand their friends' views of the world as well as obtain new insights and perspectives that they don't do not have. Given this, it is not an overstatement to argue that they are influencing each other significantly. For example, I acquired knowledge about the current national economic project from my best friends Kim. Before discussing it with him, I had never casted (cast의 과거형, 과거분사형은 모두 cast입니다) doubted on the achievement of the governmental project. However, now I understand that the project involved a huge risks and budgets with regards to the execution of the project. From this point of view, a friends is are the most influential person people for young adults.
Additionally, young adults are connected with each other by their smart devices, which amplify the influence from one to another. As electronic devices enabling them people to use Internet become prevalent, people can always communicate with other people whenever and wherever they are. And, Also, most of young adults usually use social media through a smart phone to casually communicate their friends and it causes them to influence each other a lot. Thus, it can be said that young adults are surely influenced by their friends due to electronic devices they use all time. (불필요한 반복) Specifically, the a Korean daily podcast indicated that nearly eighty-five percent of surveyed young adults felt that they spent more than 3 hours a day in using a smart phone to chat their friends. They also argued that they fastly quickly shared a huge amount of information and knowledge through a their smart phone. On the other hand, they spent less than an hour a day communicating their family members.
(smart phone이 있기 때문에 친구들의 영향력이 더 크다고 했는데.. 그럼 smart phone이 있음에도 불구하고 가족의 영향력이 늘지 않는 것은 왜일까요? 설명을 해주시든지, 불충분한 마지막 문장을 지우는 게 나을지도 모릅니다. 이 문단은 ‘스마트폰이 어떻게 친구의 영향력을 키우는가’를 설명하지, ‘사람들은 스마트폰을 이용해서 가족보다 친구들과 더 많이 이야기한다’는 전혀 설명하지 않았으니까요.)
All in all, young adults tend to spend more time with their friends not only in person but also through social media than their family members. Therefore, I firmly believe that young adults are primarily influenced by their friends.
Writing 0-30 scale
Fair (21-25)
주장을 뒷받침하기 위한 두 point를 잘 정하고 설명했습니다.
다만 본문에 수정하거나 코멘트를 달아둔 것처럼 설명이 불충분한 부분이 보입니다.
문법과 표현 면에서 부족하거나 어색한 부분이 있습니다.
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