▶ Your Answer :
There are some people who believe that working with
other people is less importance than in the past. However, I personally
disagree with the above idea and I assert that the
ability to work with other people is obviously more
significant than ever before. First, people have more opportunities to
interact with others. Second, global collaboration makes their work bigger,
which means that there are a lot of team projects.
First and foremost, these days, it is possible for workers to communicate
with others by through development of
information technology. Unlike the past where when
people are were limited at a certain community, now we are in the information
age. People actively exchange ideas and share many materials via the Internet.
Let me bring up a personal anecdote as an example. When I worked at a motor company, I have had a lot of assignments to do. The work required me
to send to cooperative company to the maps
and results of conferences to make new models
which were to be released
the next season. I should interacted with workers in real time by using my Smartphone
and tablet PC. On the contrary, my senior employees recalled that in the past,
my company had targeted to the local market. Therefore, the active
communication was not necessary. As a result, IT field’s advancement makes
today’s people actively communicate with others.
On top of that, today, there are many international companies, so, many
projects are bigger and bigger. (이 문장엔 너무 추임새가 많습니다. Comma를 너무 자주 사용하시면
문장이 어색해집니다. 더 간략하게 써주세요!) This means that one person do cannot handle the massive projects. Therefore, my
team projects are required to complete these tasks. However,
most volume of the business is not considerable in the past because funding is
not sufficient. (어떤 말을 하고 싶으신지 파악이
어렵습니다.) This
representative study substantiates my point of views. According to a poll
conducted by Korea Gallup with employees working in global companies as respondents, they responded that they should
work with other branches let lone(이게 무슨 말씀이시죠?) their team to make better performance. An office
worker said in the survey that all assignments
are connected by one goal in the workplace, so he had conference a twice
a week to report their process. If they do not
work together, the whole projects do not advance. As a result, the capability of working with
other people was prioritized in his business world.
On the other hand, an older employee stated that in the old years past,
work just was just given to individuals and they were required to just finish
the given tasks.
To sum up, nowadays, people’s ability to work with other workers is more
and more important since they frequently communicate with others by using
up-to-date devices to share information and size of assignments continues to
grow by emergence of global companies. (위 문장이 너무 깁니다.) In this regard, it is imperative to work with other
people to today’s employees.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Limited (0-16)
Overall Comment:
포인트는 잘 잡아주신 것 같지만, 문법이 매우 부족합니다. 때론 문법이 너무 어긋나서 무슨 말을 하고 싶은지 파악이 어려울 때가 있었습니다. Comma를 너무 많이 사용하셔서 문장이 어색해지는 것도 신경을 쓰셔야 할 것 같습니다. 수고하셨어요.
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