▶ Your Answer :
I disagree with the statement
that a leader should have a strong opinions not change his/ her opinion. (문법상 맞지 않습니다. 강한 의사를 가진 리더는 자신의 의사를 굽히지 않는다 – a leader that has strong opinions should not change
his / her opinion. 리더는 강한 의사를 가지고 굽히지 않아야 한다. – a leader should have strong opinions and
should not change his / her opinion. 둘 중 고르시면 될 것 같아요.)
First, when a leader changes
his opinion by accepting other member’s opinion, this contributes to the success of a group. What When a leader changes his opinion by considering other
member’s opinion, provides a leader he is
provided with an opportunity to come up with more innovative ideas. This
is likely to help the group to move forward. For example, when I was a high school students, I attended a group
project in history class and I became a leader of a project. At first, I
had my own strong opinions to perform the group project and I thought that
because I was a the leader of the
project, the team members must follow my opinions. However, while I performed
the projects, I had troubled with some
problems that couldn’t deal with my opinion. Fortunately, many team members
came up with an innovative idea and I accepted opinions actively. As a result,
I could was able to solve the problems
and complete the group project successfully.
This example shows that accepting other members’ opinions
is a good change for a leader to lead the group successfully.
When a leader changes his
opinion by accepting other member’s opinion, team members improve their work
performance. What a leader changes his opinion by
considering other member’s opinion requires a leader to respect other members.
(위에도 비슷한 예시가 있었는데, 하고 싶으신 말이 뭔지 파악하기가 어렵습니다. 대략 하고 싶으신 말이: “자신의 의견을 굽히고 다른 멤버들의 의견을 받아드리려면 다른 멤버들을 존중해줘야 한다. 이것 같은데, 이렇게 말씀하시려면 = A leader should respect other members if he wants to consider their
opinions. 로 바뀌는 게 좋습니다.) When this trait is developed, a leader can maintain
good relationships with other members in the
group. A friendly atmosphere in the group brings a better result. For example, in a recent study conducted by Harvard University in
2007 (2007년이 ‘recent’
인가요?), a huge difference was shown between two groups of different
team members in a company. One group consisted of teams members with a friendly
leader who opened his ear on the team member’s opinions, the other was made up
of those with an obstinate leader who had a strong opinion without change. Many
researchers found that the former is more likely
to outperform than the latter. Research reported that in particular, the first
group showed a higher accuracy in their work and completed their work much faster than the latter. This implies
that considering other members’ opinion is a key
to success professionally.
All things considered, I
disagree with the statement for the reasons I mentioned above.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Limited (0-16)
Overall Comment:
포인트는 잘 잡아주셨으나, 문법적인 오류가 너무 많습니다. 위에 명시해드린 오류들을 잘 수정해주시면
좋을 것 같습니다. 그리고 추가적으로 사용하시는 표현들이 반복적이며 난이도가 낮습니다. 조금 더 다양한 표현들과 용어들을 적용하시면 더 수준이 높은 글을 쓰실 수 있을 것 같아요.
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