▶ Your Answer :
There are some people who believe that
economic growth should be focused more than environmental defenses by the
government. However, I disagree with the above idea for the two subsequent
reasons. Firstly, the earth’s climate has increased enormously. (기후가 증가했다는 건 무슨 말이죠?) Secondly, economic development has already directed by
most countries. (무슨 말인지 파악이 어렵습니다.)
First of all, the earth’s temperature has
escalated greatly these few past years. The media reports that due to
significant environmental issues, the climate has changed a lot. For example,
the weathercast always indicates that this year’s summer would be the hottest
one ever. that has never happened before.
They also added that wasting littering unrecyclable products cause the climate change. People
these days use too much of disposable items because they are easy to
use. However, they cause a lot of main factors of increasing warmth. (표현이 어색합니다) To create disposable goods, a lot of natural resources
are needed, such as trees. However, with decreased amounts of trees, it is impossible to sustain the
atmosphere with in good
condition. Thus, it there is
no wonder that the temperature has increased severely due to lack of trees.
This is the reason why the government should take actions to preserve the
environment.
Next, most countries already have underwent
economic advance. A lot of European countries, Asian countries and North
America made new rules and businesses to improve their economy. It also applied to our
countries (our
countries가 누굴 말하는거죠?); we have developed our economy greatly by the government.
To be specific, in 2011, the government conducted new trade attempts in order
to improve our economy. The result was successful; we have become the top 10th
wealthy wealthiest country. This means it is no longer
needed that the economic advance should be developed. (10번째로 부유한 나라이다 = 더 이상 경제적인 발전이 필요하지 않다. 논리적으로 조금 맞지 않습니다) People and countries have issues due to the
environmental problems, not the wealth. (이건 generalization입니다. 논리적으로 반박이 쉬운 문장들은 쓰지 않는 게 좋습니다.)
In conclusion, the government should focus its budget to
preserve the environment, not on economic growth, since they spent enough
budgets on economic development already and have become prolific. They also
need to specify concentrate on maintaining the
environment because the higher temperatures prove why. (높은 온도가 무슨 이유를 증명한다는 거죠?) In this
regard, I firmly believe that the government should spend more money on
protecting the environment than on economic development.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Fair (17-23) |
Score |
18 |
Overall
Comment: |
Good try. 논리적인 방면에서
조금 아쉽습니다. 제가 봤을 때 다양한 표현을 사용하시려고 하는 모습이 보이는데, 이걸 너무 의식하셔서 어색한 표현들을 쓰시는 상황이 자주
발생하는 것 같아요. (예: increasing warmth) 문법 오류는 거의 없지만, 어색하고 맥락에 어울리지 않는 표현들 때문에
감점을 드렸습니다. Generalization은 피하시고 최대한 설문조사와 같은 근거를 대주시면서 주장을 하시는 걸 추천 드립니다. |
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