▶ Your Answer : It is often said that children will be more responsible for
using money as adults if they are able to make their own decisions. I agree
with the statement that it is better for parents not to allow their children to
use money by themselves for the following two reasons. The first is that
children have great impulse to buy something. Second is that they don't know
the importance of money.
Some may oppose to the opinion, but
first it assures that children's impulse make it hard to think about money. Many consider that children can be taught
to control their desire. However, we cannot deny the fact that although they
are taught, their needs can easily erase what they are learnt and make children
to waste their money. This is because there is nothing stronger than their
impulse to get something. For example, when I was little, my parents gave me
some pocket money. It was limited, so I had to control spending money. But,
whenever new toys were released, I felt so much impulse that I cannot could not help but to buy them. Therefore, I spent my whole pocket money in only one day. I cannot -> could not do anything else.
related to money. With this experience, I figured out that
in regard to using money, children have to be controlled by their parents.
On top of that, they not only have
strong impulse, but also have no idea about how precious money is. Although it may not be favored by the
majority of our society, I believe that children will use money
thoughtlessly. According to the recent poll, the majority have agreed that they
were spending their money regardless of how much money were left when they were
young. This is because they didn't know the importance of money. In addition, a
well-known professor of Seoul National University in this field published an
editorial in his study and as a result, his study supported my view. They
survey claims that 75% of respondents said that after they had to make their
own money, they realized how important the way to spend money is. Also, the
professor mentioned that since children don't struggle to earn money, they
don't know the meaning of money. Therefore, it is hard for them to be
responsible for using money.
결론적으로
no idea of the value of the money 하기 때문에 irresponsible 한 성격 을 키우거나 money 를 waste 할수 있다 라는 결론 까지 이끌면 좋을거 같네요.
To conclude, I strongly argue that my standpoints of two
reasons are sufficiently convincing. The first is that the children are hard to
have responsibility due to their impulse. Also, the children can control using
money because they have no idea about the importance of money. In this regard,
I believe that although the children are allowed to make their own financial
decisions, they may not be responsible as adults
Writing 0-30 Score
Scale
Good (24-30)
Overall Comment: 전체적으로 points/구조 좋았습니다. 아쉬운점은 지금 기존 idea 에서 한단계 나갈 수 있을거 같아요. Importance of
money 를 모르면 단지 돈 낭비가 된다 보다, 아이들이기
떄문에 안좋은 습관을 기를 수 있다 등으로 확대해서 생각 해보세요. 시제 많이 틀리시는거 같은데 문법
주의해주세요.
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