▶ Your Answer :
It is debatable whether graduating high school students should take off one
year before attending university. This is an intriguing question because
opinions concerning this issue can be different relying on the individual
perspectives. In my opinion, however, I support that students should travel or
work for one year before attending university with the following reasons.
First of all, students can broaden
perspectives through traveling or working one year. Students always think that they are
adult before students and this means that they want to do that they want in
not out of the school. <= 학교 다니면서 여행 못하나요? 차별점에 대해서 고민 더 해보세요. Ex) 장기간 travelling 등등 + 그것이 왜 좋은지 설명해주세요. To illustrate, Steve Jobs,
who is the founder of Apple, made great accomplishments in his lifetime. I read
online that he was very global-minded and cultural-sensitive. He did this by
traveling and meeting new people who have diverse background before attending
university. <=
Example 너무 단편적이에요. 구체화 해주시고, 여행하면서 무엇을 배웠는지 더 설명해주세요. In
addition, high school students are very weak. They need to restore and maintain
health for their future. Health is very important for them to make succeed -> success in their future. For
example, the study conducted Korea Times, indicated that Korea high school
students are very lack of their body nutrition because they always study for
Korea SAT. They sometimes skip their physical activity. This study shows the
students have serious problems with short-term and long-term about their
future. This means that students can restore and maintain health and they will
study hard and manage thigh schedule in university. <= Health 의 중요성에 대해서는 이해 하지만, 1년
쉰다고 Health 가 좋아지는 이유가 무엇인가요? 충분히
학교다니면서 health 신경 쓸 수 있지 않을까요? All things considered, it’s my belief that my
argument regarding this issue has been effectively and precisely delivered with
the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget that this issue may have a
huge impact on our future. Writing 0-30 Score
Scale Limited (0-16)
Overall
Comment: Brainstorming 에 신경 더 써주셔야 됩니다. 졸업하고 학교 다니는것과
안다니는것의 차이점에 대해서 잘 생각해보세요. 여행이나 건강 챙기는 일들은 차별점이라고 생각이 안됩니다. Idea 들도 더 구체화 해주세요. 설명을 더 해주셔야 됩니다.
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