Opinions differ over whether people have to sometimes do enjoy doing only or not what they do not enjoy. Regarding this issue, I believe that people have to do things that they don’t do not enjoy doing for their goals. There are numerous reasons that could defend my position but two compelling reasons will be explained in more detail in the following.
To begin with, the most crucial point that should be brought up is broadening knowledge. To be specific, if people do only their favorite things they could have limited range. When doing dislike unfavorable things, people could be exposed to unusual situations, which as a result allow people to get new information. The opposition asserts that people should do enjoyable thing. However, their idea does not reflect on my position. As a matter of fact, a lot of evidence indicates that their argument has no credibility. (어떤 주장이 있고 그것이 어떤 면에서 no credibility인지 설명해주지 않는다면 있으나마나 한 문장들.) For example, my personal experience illustrates why people should do dislike unenjoyable thing. When I was in my first company, my position was advertisement charge I was in charge of the advertisements. I liked practical work in the real field and didn’t did not like office work such as writing plans. I did only practical work as much as possible to do. At some point, I couldn’t could not create a program and I felt I regressed regret. However, I started to progress little by little after doing office work. I searched information and analyzed the situation. As a result, I could make an effective program. Through this experience, I learned that doing dislike thing I did not like is was helpful for people me to create something new. Hence, it is obvious that people can get knowledge from doing dislike unfavorable work.
On top of that, it is important to think about improving the quality of life. Beyond my experience, a research substantiates my perspective. Recently, Harvard University conducted a survey of 10,000 people who had jobs which included dislike unenjoyable works throughout the country (어느 나라? 명시해주는 게 좋겠네요). The result of the survey made fascinating reading because it supported my position. More than 80 percent of workers responded that they had experience to do dislike unfavorable work and that helped them to improve the quality of life even they didn’t did not want to do that work. In order words, about 80 percent of worker considered doing dislike unenjoyable work and broadening knowledge as the most preferred way of improving the quality of life. Nowadays, it would not be an overstatement to say that people set the quality of life above everything else. Therefore, this proves that it is beneficial for people to do dislike works they do not enjoy. (싫어하는 일을 하는데 quality of life가 어떻게 높아지죠? “조사해보니 사람들이 그렇다고 말하더라”는 적절한 근거가 되지 못합니다.)
All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above.
(주장이 무엇인지? “consider”한 “all thing”이 무엇인지? 제대로 밝혀주세요. 지금 이 결론은 아무런 내용이 없습니다.)
Writing 0-30 scale
Fair (17-18)
엔터키는 문단을 바꿀 때에만 사용하세요. (서론/포인트1/포인트2/결론)
명사의 단복수 및 관사(a/an/the/무관사)의 사용에 주의하세요.
단어의 품사를 정확하게 파악하고 사용하세요. dislike는 동사(‘싫어하다’) 또는 명사(‘싫어함’)입니다. ‘하기 싫은 일(싫어하는 일)’을 dislike work처럼 쓸 수는 없습니다.
본문의 각 문단은 각각 하나의 topic sentence를 핵으로 해서, 모든 문장이 그것을 논리적으로 지지하고 발전시켜야 합니다. 각 point를 논리적으로 충분히 설명하는데 신경 쓰세요.