▶ Your Answer :
I agree with the statement that it is
better for colleagues or classmates to communicate in person than through rough emails
in order to do a project.
First, when doing a project with colleagues or classmates do a
project, communicating in person enables the members a project to complete the project successfully. 이 내용은 서론에서 제시한 나의 '입장'에 해당하니까 반복할 필요가 없어요. 본론에서는 이제 직접 만나는 게 왜 성공적인 프로젝트에 도움이 되는지를 구체적으로 설명해주어야 해요. Communicating in person requires students to listen attentively and to respect others
than communicating through the internet. When students develop this trait, they can
maintain good relationship with other students. Good atmosphere is likely to
bring a better result in completing a project. 다른 사람을 경청해서 분위기가 좋아져서 프로젝트가 성공적으로 끝난다는 주장은 너무 피상적인 것 같아요. 사례내용에서 팀웍을 강조했으니 '직접 만나야 서로 존중하는 분위기를 형성하기 좋고 (프로젝트 성공에 필수적인) 팀웍을 높여준다'하는 내용을 주장&설명part에서 풀어보면 좋을 것 같아요. 앞에서 말했듯이 프로젝트를 성공으로 이끈다는 것은 글 전체의 주장이니까 본론에서는 세부적으로 내용을 풀어주는 게 좋아요. For instance, when I was a high
school students, I attended a group project which was requiring students to
study on the historical artifacts. Because all students had hectic schedules after
school works, we decided to communicate information related to the project through an internet chatting program. However, some students got easily distracted and did
not attend the project a projects actively. Other students had complaints about this. The
atmosphere of the team became worse. Thus, we changed the way to communicate in
person in order to make all students attend the project and to recover the
atmosphere between team members. Fortunately, all students took part in the project
and did communication actively with each other. As a result, the atmosphere was recovered,
which resulted in the successful completion of a the project. This example shows
that the communication in person has a positive effect on the successful
completion of the project.
Second, communicating in person helps
students to improve their work performance and quality of the outcome than communicating the opinion
through the internet. 직접 만나서 소통해야 정확한 의사전달이 가능하다는 연결내용이 필요해요. The exact communication prevents students from making mistakes.
This helps students to complete the project without errors, which leads to the
success of a project. For instance, according to the recent research conducted by
Harvard University in 2007, a huge difference was shown between two groups of
high school students; One consisted of students who exchanged individual’s
opinions by communicating in person, the other was those who exchanged individual’s opinions through email internet chatting program. Many The researchers found
that the former was is likely to outperform the latter. The rResearch reported that in
particular, the first group showed higher accuracy in their work results and
they completed their project much faster than the second group. This implies
that communicating in person plays a vital role in improving students’ work
performance, which finally leads to success of the project.
All things considered, I agree with the
statement for the reasons I mentioned above.
Writing 0–30 score scale Limited (1-16) Fair (17-23)
Good (24–30) ✓
내용 설명에서 좀 더 구체적이고 명확한 표현을 활용해주세요. '직접 소통해야 프로젝트가 성공적이다'라는 문장은 글 전체의 '주제'에 해당하기 때문에 본론의 main sentence로는 맞지 않아요. 각각 문단에서 팀워크와 정보전달의 정확성을 main idea로 삼고 있으니까 이 부분이 부각되도록 두괄식 문형 구성을 잘 하시면 더 좋을 것 같아요. 내용에 대한 아이디어는 정말 잘 짜신 것 같아요. 종종 있는 문법오류도 체크해주세요. 수고하셨습니다~! |