There might be some people who believe that learning about general subjects are better for students in high schools and universities. However, in my opinion, it is more beneficial to learn about particular fields and jobs for the two subsequent reasons. First, it is much beneficial for students in the aspect of their careers. Second, studying general fields can give students stress.
First of all, studying particular fields can be more beneficial on students' career. When they study specific fields only, students can concentrate on the subjects and be more professional in the fields. This competence will offer them more chances to get a better jobs. According to a survey conducted by Korean Job-planning Institution, it is better for their the students' career to learn about specific fields only. 87 percent of students who learned only better about specific fields got more lucrative jobs compared to other students who studied general subjects. These days, companies prefer a more competitive person on a certain field because jobs are going to be becoming more departmentalized. As a result, they wanted students who learn about only better about specific fields.
On top of that, students can get stress studying general subjects. This is because, among the general subjects, there would be a certain subjects in which students were are not interested. This can gives stress to the students and eventually can make them lose their motivation on studying itself. Let me give a personal story as an example. When I was in high school, I had to study history, which I was not interested in. For me, the history class was too boring and difficult. As a result, I could not do a good performance on the subject and my average grade went down accordingly. This was very stressful for me and made me less perform well worse on my favorite subjects too. If I needed not did not need to study history which belong to is a general subjects, I would have had better grades and studied harder.
In conclusion, students' career can benefit from studying specific fields more and jobs, while studying general subjects can give them more stress. In this regard, I strongly believe that learning about particular fields and jobs is much beneficial for students in high schools and universities rather than studying general subjects.
Writing 0-30 scale
Fair (24-25)
주장을 뒷받침하기 위한 두 point를 잘 정하고 설명했습니다.
일부 표현이 어색하거나 문법적인 문제가 있어서 본문에 수정했으니 참고하세요.
첫 번째 point에서 ‘특정 field에 집중하는 것이 유리한 이유’는 글쓴이가 설명한 대로라면 ‘집중’ 자체 ('learning only~') 때문이 아니라, ‘그 field를 더욱 자세하고 전문적으로 배울 수 있어서’이지요? 그렇다면 예시를 들거나 그 뒤로 설명을 할 때도 이런 방향으로 써주어야지 옳지, 원래 쓰신 대로 ‘기업은 특정과목에만 집중해서 배운 학생을 좋아한다’는 식으로 쓰면 논리가 어색해집니다.