▶ Your Answer :
Some
people think that extended families is are as important nowadays as it was they were in the past. However, in my opinion, I strongly believe that extended families is are not
as important no as before, and my argument can be supported with two
perspectives of economics and culture.
The first reason for my opinion that can be seen by every person is that
extended families are not not important
in current society due to economic reasons. In the past,
the elderly needed support from other members of the family because they do did
not have stable income. However, the concept of pensions
was introduced in modern modern times and this new concept greatly
reduced the demand for supporting the elderly.
As the a result, extended families, a type of welfare in the past, is not as needed as it was needed before. For example,
a lot of old documents in the Chosun Dynasty
argued that supporting the elderly was important
because in that time, leaving old people alone
and leaving them to starve to death was common. in
this era.
Another equally important reason is that the concept of extended families is outdated and does not fit
in current culture. Society in the past had put
a great importance in farming, and farming needed a lot of manpower. As a
result, families gathered together to increase the amount of labor and formed
extended families. However, industrial
revolution transformed the method of using labors. Factories needed far much
skilled laborers in order to run its machines.
Therefore, the concept of an extended family as
a unit of labor became useless, and the unit of
labor changed into single labor with supporting families
around it. Currently almost all people are working in the companies run by
corporations. Therefore, extended families is
are not needed in modern society.
To sum up, introduction of pensions reduced
welfare needed to the elderly. Additionally, the change of labor usage has
been greatly changed from the past. As a result, the social
system of extended families became outdated.
Therefore, extended families does not
have much importance in current society as it
was they did in the past.
Writing 0-30
Score Scale
Limited (0-16)
Overall Comment:
포인트는 잘 잡아주셨습니다. 하지만 문법적인 오류가 너무 많아서 흐름을 너무 어색했고, 읽기에
불편함이 있었습니다. 문법 연습을 더 하시면 좋을 것 같아요.
|