▶ Your Answer : Some people think that people should try out many types of jobs. However, In my opinion, people do not need to try out several different occupations before committing to a long-term Job for two reason. First of all, by focusing on their own field, they can become successful professionals faster than others. In addition, it is financially helpful to the companies. To begin with, people who commit their field early could be experts faster than others. People who do not decide to try out a variety of jobs, but choose to focus on one thing can build knowledge and skills in their ground. This mean that they play an important role in their field. For example, one of my friends, Kim Bum Su decided to start work right after college as an accountant. He, at first, had tough time for one year because he did not have any work-experience. However, he could get used to his duties as time goes by. Recently, he gave me a good news that he became a manager of account in his company due to his professional skills. On top of that, it is very common thought that companies prefer a professional to others. Hiring experts can save time and money of the companies since they do not need to spend money on training. Let see next result of the study, For instance, the study conducted by Korea Department of Employment and Labor has shown that 57% percentage companies revealed why they prefer experts. The reason is they save a lot of time and money by hiring them. --> 주장과 이유, 예시 간 논리적 연결고리가 다소 약합니다. Try out을 하지 않은 채 한 가지 직업을 통해 오랫동안 노하우를 축적한 사람을 기업이 선호한다 등 논리 보강을 해야 합니다.
To sum up, I strongly believe that people do not have to try out several jobs before dedicating to an extended period of time job because it is helpful both for people and companies to focus on their field early.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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