Undoubtedly, friends play a vital role in people’s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that you should keep your old friends even if they do what you hate, while others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. In my opinion, however, I support that you do not have to keep your old friends if they do what you dislike for the following reasons.
First of all, when people interact with an old peer who does what they do not like, it will have a negative impact on people’s academic performance because of stress caused by their friends (앞에서 peer=단수). Improving academic performance requires them to be diligent, passionate, and self-disciplined. When people develop these personal traits, it is likely to bring a better result. However, if people feel stress because of their annoying friends, they cannot concentrate on enhancing their personal traits. For example, Georgetown University found a huge difference between two groups of young adults. One group consisted of those who had normal relationships with their friends without serious problems, and the other group was made up of those who had some conflicts with their friends. The researchers found that the former was more likely to have a higher score in GPA grade point average (약어를 쓸 때에는 먼저 한 번은 풀어서 써야 합니다.) than the latter. To be specific, the first group showed a longer attention span, a strong passion in their tasks, and a better ability to delay gratification. On the other hand, the second group tended to be get distracted easily, procrastinate, and act on impulse. This implies that having good relationships with friends is the key to success, academically as well as professionally. Without it, one would fall behind.
In addition, people should keep their distance from their annoying friends even if they are their old friends because it leads to added stress levels. To be specific, interacting with a friend who makes you angry, doing what you scorn, accompanies a stressful process, which hinders people from building a quality life. Stress is the main cause of diseases and dissatisfying life. Therefore, people who suffer from their friends who act what in a way that you hate should actively find ways to reduce stress and stay healthy. To illustrate, Bill Gates, who is the founder of Microsoft, has made great accomplishments in his lifetime. I read online that he was very successful because he was able to deal with such stress and anxiety caused by his coworkers in his office. He did this by keeping good relationships with his coworkers through conversation. By doing this, he was able to see positive results he contributed to. Many people around her started to respect him, allowing him to be confident, optimistic and strong.
(제시한 Bill Gates의 예시는 ‘싫어하는 친구를 피하는 것’과는 전혀 관련이 없습니다. 오히려 반대로 ‘누구든지 잘 지내는 것’을 이야기하니 정반대를 가리키네요.)
All things considered, it is my belief that my argument concerning this issue has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons I have mentioned above. Never should we forget that this topic may have a huge impact on our future.
(전혀 내용이 없는 결론입니다. 글쓴이의 주장이 무엇인지? All things considered이 무엇인지? 요약/정리함으로써 글을 마무리해주세요.)
Writing 0-30 scale
Fair (21-25)
전반적으로 문법 및 표현상의 오류는 적은 편입니다.
명사의 단복수 및 관사(a/an/the/무관사)의 사용에 주의하고, 동사가 주어의 단/복수와 일치하는지를 잘 살피세요.
글의 논리성과 완성도에 아쉬운 부분이 있습니다. TOEFL 독립형 글쓰기는 영어 능력뿐만 아니라 주장을 논리적으로 전개하는 능력을 평가합니다. 제시한 두 point가 ‘싫어하는 친구를 피하는 것’이라는 주제에 충분히 접근하지 못합니다. 본문에 제시한 설명은 전부 ‘그러면 싫어하는 사람과도 잘 지내는 능력을 만드는 게 좋지 않은가?’ 하는 생각을 들게하네요. 글의 주제에 집중해서 충분한 설명으로 글쓴이의 주장을 뒷받침하세요.