Some people argue that moving to a new city or country is not a good idea since they will lose their old friends. However, in my opinion, This perspective is not true (1. ‘나는 ~~~이라고 생각한다’고 글쓴이의 주장을 명확하면 더 좋습니다. 2. true or false를 묻는 질문이 아닙니다. 글쓴이 생각이 무엇이 더 좋은지를 대답하세요.) for two following reasons, which I am going to elaborate. First, moving to a new city or country enables people to gain new expereicne experience. Second, friends can keep in touch with each other after moving apart, thanks to the development of communication. (문장을 제대로 완성해서 쓰세요.)
To begin with, people attain new experiences by moving to a new area. and It is very important because people always learn something through their experiences, even if it seems unenjoyable or difficult. But Broader perspectives and wider knowledge are qualities of a successful person. Take Warren Buffett, for instance. He is a globally recognized CEO (약어를 쓸 때에는 먼저 한 번은 풀어서 써야 합니다.) and investor listed among Time's 100 influential people, and Buffett he mentioned in an interview that acquiring diverse experience shaped him into a successful business man. Such comment sounds highly convincing since he is well-known man of success. I believe moving to a new area will allow people to attain new experience.
(주장에 근거가 좀 부족합니다. ‘유명하고 성공한 사람이 그렇게 말했다’는 충분한 설명이 안 됩니다.)
In addition, Today people today can interact with others through new means of communicaiton communication, such as social media or mobile phones. These things actually have a great impact on our lives. As a result, With the help of such inventions, we can talk to distant friends. and These things help improve social skills and broaden our perspectives toward the world as well (스마트폰과 sns의 장점을 얘기하는 글이 아니라 친구들과 헤어지는 얘기를 하는데 improving social skills와 broadening perspectives는 전혀 관련 없는 이야기입니다). For example, a survey was conducted by UCLA's (약어를 쓸 때에는 먼저 한 번은 풀어서 써야 합니다.) research department. The survey participants were asked if they agreed with this idea that people can interact through means of communication. The result showed that 79 percent of participants answered that they are in favor of this idea. Further, their opinion was supported with logical reasons. (어떤 logical reason이 있는지를 설명하지 않으면 전혀 쓸모없는 문장) This survey confirm my viewpoint.
(여기에 제시된 예시도 글의 주제를 충분히 설명하지는 못합니다. 글의 주제는 ‘이사를 감으로써 친구를 잃는 것’인데, 이 문단은 처음 두 문장을 제외하고는 이 주제를 전혀 다루지 않습니다.)
On the whole, I believe that I have accurately demonstrated my point of view on this matter with two concrete reasons and evidences stated above. Since views of life and values differ among individuals, it seems like this subject will always remain controversial.
(아무런 내용이 없는 결론입니다. 글쓴이의 주장이 무엇인지를 제대로 정리하고, 그 근거를 간단하게 요약하세요.)
Writing 0-30 scale
Fair (17-20)
두 본문이 글의 주제를 충분히 설명하지 못합니다. (본문의 파란 코멘트 참고)
엔터키는 문단을 바꿀 때에만 사용하세요. (서론/포인트1/포인트2/결론)
오타, 대소문자 및 문장부호에 오류가 많습니다. 사소해 보이는 실수라도 반복, 누적되면 감점 요인이 될 수 있습니다. 조금 더 꼼꼼하게 글을 작성하고, 완성한 뒤에는 반드시 다시 읽어보는 시간을 가지세요.