▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that improving its schools is not the most effective way for a country to progress. They may think that investment in schools does not have many benefits for the country to develop. However, in my opinion, the most effective way for the country to advance is to improve its schools because schools help students understand their country and develop their special abilities. To begin with, students can understand their country. Students often learn about the country, especially, the current situation of a nation. They students realize what the country needs to develop and what they can do for it. Thus, students can help their country as they grow up.(--> 여기에 살을 붙여 학교에 투자할 경우 각 나라에 대한 풍부한 역사 및 사회 교육을 진행할 수 있고 이로 인해 학생들의 국가에 대한 이해도가 높아진다는 점을 추가하는 게 좋을 것 같습니다) I have an example. For instance, when I was in a middle school, I learned about the current problems of compilation of the budget in a social class. I realized that my country did not have enough professionals to help the disabled people get a job. I also learned that it was one of factors that prevented the country cut down on the welfare budget for the disabled because they could not earn money by themselves and need help form the government. Thus, I decided to be a social worker and studied hard for it. Now, I am helping the disabled citizens to get a job as a social worker, and the disabled are making money and living by themselves without any helps from the government. --> 예시에서도 앞서 코멘트 단 부분을 조금 더 참고하여 논리를 보강해주세요. On top of that, schools can help students develop their specialities, which can be beneficial to a country's development. When the country improves its schools, they can offer various courses and teachers. Thus, students can gain their own special abilities such as language ability, business ability and financial management ability through the classes and use them for the country to progress. Let me take an example of my friend. (Let 형태 문장은 에세이에서 사용을 지양해주세요 - 구어체입니다) For example, my Japanese friend in a high school was interested in other languages and wanted to learn Indonesian. However, his school did not have enough budget to offer an Indonesian class and a teacher for him. One day, the government decided to invest in the school classes and provided students with international teachers. My friend started to study Indonesian and Indonesian the Indonesian languageand cultures. As time passed by, he could be proficient in Indonesian. He kept studying about Indonesia, and now he is helping many Japanese companies make a contract with Indonesian companies to extend their business to Indonesia. He said that the Japanese companies can make profits when Japanese companies make a contract with Indonesian companies, and it helps the Japanese government develop its country. To sum up, I believe the most effective way for the country to develop is to improve its schools. This is due to the fact that since students can learn about their country at schools and improve their special abilities. Therefore, students can help the country progress as they grow up.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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GOOD
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GOOD
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- 1번째 paragraph 내용 속 논리적으로 상세히 설명되어야 할 부분을 참고하여 글을 구성해주세요.
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