Some people think that movies does not give us a lot about a country. However, in my opinion, I believe that movies can include tell a lot about a country. This is because movies are representatives about the of a country and enough information can receive about the country through movies (이 부분은 1. 문법적으로 맞지 않고 2. 본 주장을 단순히 paraphrase할 뿐, 그에 대한 근거는 되지 못합니다.).
To begin with, movies are representatives about of the country. In fact, American movies convey watchers to implied context in the movie related to their American history and culture. For example, (as an example과 중복됨) I want to talk about my experience as an example. Recently, an American friend and I went to the cinema to watch a movie. He recommended me to watch this a comedy movie. So, I watched this comedy the movie with my American friend. After finishing of watching the movie, I feel regret to felt regret about watching this movie, because this movie makes me it was very boring. However, my American friend feel felt fun while watching this movie unlike me, because he was used to the American humor which the movie was full of. I used to realized that movies show a lot new things about American humor that represent their the culture.
On top of that, enough information makes an offer to the country through movies. (이 부분은 1. 문법적으로 맞지 않고 2. 본 주장을 단순히 paraphrase할 뿐, 그에 대한 근거는 되지 못합니다.). In fact, a portion of people some of my friends (아래처럼 구체적인 예를 들면서 ‘일부 사람들’이라고 하는 건 거리가 좀 있어보입니다.) did not know about Norway’s Norwegian life lives and culture. Accidentally One day, they watched a movie made by in Norway. After watching a the movie, they could learn a lot of new information. For another example (앞선 노르웨이 영화 얘기도 example이었으니까.), there was a poll conducted by a cinema entertainment corporate with movie watchers as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus view about helping to watching a movie. The majority of respondents ranked considerably higher (무엇을 높게 rank했는지?). An overwhelming 80% had responded that watching a movie gives us a lot of informative knowledges since, after watching a movie, people have enough information about a country through movie it. This survey proves that people have a positive view of watching a movie (전혀 불필요한 정보). To sum up, representatively, movies symbolize about a country and can even provide diversity things through movies (1. 문법적으로 맞지 않고 2. 문단의 내용을 제대로 요약하지 못하고 3. 글의 주제와 핀트가 어긋남).
In this regard, I strongly believe that movies can mention tell a lot about a country.
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서론-본론1-본론2-결론 사이에는 엔터를 쳐서 문단을 구분하세요.
결론이 너무 부실합니다. 앞서 제시한 근거를 한 줄씩 요약하는 것만으로도 충분할 수 있습니다.
제시한 두 point가 서로 뚜렷하게 구분이 되지 않고, 글의 주제를 제대로 뒷받침하지도 못합니다. “영화는 나라에 대해 많은 것을 이야기해준다. 영화는 나라에 대해 많은 정보를 담고 있기 때문이다.” 적절하게 제시된 근거가 아닙니다.
전반적으로 문법에 맞지 않는 문장이 많습니다.
단어의 의미와 용례를 정확히 알고 사용하세요. paraphrase하겠다고 쓴 표현이 오히려 의미가 어색한 경우가 많습니다.