Some people think that health care issues are more urgent than environmental issues. However, in my opinion, the government should pay more attention to environmental issues than health care issues. This is because environmental spending the governmental budget on environmental problems is always low compared to health care spending the budget on health care, and fixing the environment will save many lives.
To begin with, money set aside for environmental issues is always less that than that given to health care programs. In fact, recently there have been proposed budget cuts for environmental agency (the ~ agency 혹은 ~ agencies), while the spending on heath care continues to skyrocket. For example, there has been a recent proposal in the US United States (축약어를 피하세요) to cut for the Environmental Protection Agency by 15 percent. This will greatly limit the ability of the agency to safeguard the environment through additional regulation and enforcement of environmental laws. Meanwhile, spending on health care continues to rise year after year without much improvement in the overall health of citizens. This imbalance in allocated budgets is likely to result in more environmental problem in the future.
On top of that, repairing the environment will prevent the loss of many lives. It is a well-known facts that much of the world lacks clean drinking water, and this the polluted water is responsible for a huge number of diseases and deaths worldwide. According to the UNICEF (축약어를 피하세요), 4,000 children die every day because they do not have clean drinking water. The same organization estimated that 2.6 billion of global population do not have proper sanitation. By increasing funding for the environmental agency, we can clean up water sources so that people will have clean drinking water. By doing this, we can avoid millions of preventable deaths. In addition, because fewer people will get sick from bad drinking water, health costs will decrease as well.
To sum up, funding for environments is on a par with that of health care, and numerous lives will be saved by mending the environments. In this regard, I think that it is important for the government to emphasize put focus on the environment rather than on health care.
Writing 0-30 scale
Fair (24-25)
주장을 뒷받침하기 위한 두 point를 잘 정하고 설명했습니다.
다만 문법과 표현 면에서 부족하거나 어색한 부분이 있습니다.
명사의 단복수 및 관사(a/an/the/무관사)의 사용에 주의하세요.
맥락에 어울리는 동사를 사용해야 합니다. 예를 들어, environment에는 fix, repair, mend 등의 동사보다 help, save, protect 등의 동사가 어울립니다.