▶ Your Answer :
As the interest and importance of attending to the university increases, a
number of universities ponder how to make theirs noticeable enough from others.
In a process of this, they think over and over how do they improve the quality
of education. Among them, some experts say that raising money for teachers is an
optimal idea. It is difficult to fathom what others think, but my view on the
issue is adamant. I firmly believe that the given topic is the most effective
way to improve overall quality of an education. This is due to the fact that
teacher will be motivated and performance of well-educated students positively
affect to the university’s reputation, and additional support would be
followed. introduction이 너무 길어도 별로입니다. intro는 어디까지나 main에 들어오기 전 앞부분일 뿐입니다. point는 main에서 자세하게 다뤄야합니다.
To begin with, in all
likelihood, professors will contribute more efforts to the classes when high
salaries are follows.첫 문장은 주장을 잘 드러내는 문장이여야합니다. 무조건 clear focusing 하게 쓸 수 있도록 해주세요. Those who are motivated from the salaries will prepare much
more than before, leading to deliver improved lectures. This is easily proven by
the case of my aunt. My aunt is 32-year-old and professor of the Korea University.
Two years ago, she applied for another university because it was hard for her
to commute every day. After she changes her workplace, it seemed like she is busier
than before even if the school gets closer. I asked my aunt, “You seemed like
tiresome. Is it difficult to adapt in the new environment?” In a response to my
question, she replied that the salary she received increases about 12%, making
her more passionate for preparing the class. Take the example of my aunt, it is
unquestionable that one will do their best to meet the rewards. 이게 다 예신데 예시가 이렇게 paragraph의 너무 대부분을 차지하면 안됩니다. 주장에 대한 설명이 충분하게 나오고 예시가 나와야 뒷받침이 됩니다.
On top of that, I strongly
believe that those well-educated students will conduct outstandingly when they
start to work in their own field. Motivated and enthusiastic teachers may deliver
lectures easy for students to understand. Subsequently, they will learn, achieve
and accomplish lots of goals they assigned. During the process of it, they may feel
a great deal of sense of fulfillment and responsibility. They might be interested
in their field more, and sworn to do their best so as to become top-notch in
their major. If students who attend at the university which pays teachers at a
higher level expand their experiences, by working at the company, conducting a
survey, studying in a laboratory, others may figure out that they are
outstanding and paramount. As a result, the university’s reputation will be certainly
enhanced. These achievements of students can lead some major companies to invest
or corporate on some projects together. As the university receives financial
support from them, they can grow much faster than ever. Due to this, virtuous
cycle will be repeated so on.
No one can deny that money can
stimulate almost all teachers. Needless to say, they may address better lectures
to students. Furthermore, those students may show their ability in other
places, resulting in positive feedbacks to be followed and many sponsors may
start to support the university. 전체적으로 약간씩 아쉬운 부분은 있습니다. 우선 어휘 반복성이 너무 큽니다. 예를 들어 한국어로 치면 행복하고 웃음을 짓고 있는. 이런식의 표현이 특히 많이 보였는데 형용사 2번씩 반복해서 쓰는 것 보단 한번 쓰고 정확하게 의미 전달하는게 중요합니다
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