▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that young people these days spend too much time on pets. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for two subsequent reasons. First, the young who have pets spend time with their pets for at least one hour a day. (Not enough for topic sentence) Second, there are still many young people who do not have pets, and they use their time freely. (Not enough for topic sentence)
To begin with, it does people do not take too much time to take care of pets. It is true that today’s young people have pets more than in the past. However, the time they use for their pets is not over one hour. They usually take a walk with their dogs about 30-40 minutes, and the time for feeding and playing with them would take 20 minutes. This daily routine for caring pets is not totally different from the past that young people still can utilize their time for what they want to do regardless of the existence of pets. Let me bring up my personal story as an example. Now, I live with my dog, Summer, for 3 years. I go to a walk once in a day and throw a ball play a ball game for her always. However, the crucial truth is that I have been always able to do anything I wanted though I had to look after Summer. This is because not too much time was needed for taking care of her that there were still lots of available time for me.
On top of that, not every young people these days have pets and they employ their time to do various activities to advance them. Generally speaking, there are still many people who do not have any interest to live with in raising pets. They consider them bothering or just prefer to live alone quietly. Those people usually like to play sports, read books, and watch movies at the theater. For example, according to a recent research done by South Korea Pets Institute, over eighty percent of the young population of young Korean do not have pets and they tend to make use of their time to improve themselves. One participant said that she is fond of learning sports outside that she does not have any plan to grow pets. Though there are numerous people who live with pets, over half of the young people nowadays want to invest their time in focusing on themselves instead of pets.
In a nutshell, people who take pets exploit their time appropriately not overusing. Furthermore, many contemporary young people do not have not only pets but also plans to have ones that they spend their time to upgrade themselves. In this regard, I firmly think that the young living in the present do not spend utilize too much time on pets.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 2 | Score | Limited 10-17 |
- 인트로와, 바디 첫 문장에서 제시된 두 가지 주장은 모두 주장으로써 부적합합니다. '펫을 돌보는데 최소한 한시간 가량을 쓴다, 펫을 가지고 있지 않는 사람들은 시간을 자유롭게 쓴다' 라는 부분은 설명 부분에 더욱 적합합니다. 주장을 전체적으로 바꾸셔야 합니다.
- 'always'라는 부분이 이미 시간을 많이 사용하는 것으로 보입니다. - 과거와의 비교가 적절히 필요할 것으로 보입니다.
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