▶ Your Answer :
There is a controversy about the priority between business research and agricultural research. Some people say that research on business benefits people more than farming. However, in my point of view, building a new agricultural research center brings various advantages. <좀 더 구체적으로 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다 ^^ 인트로가 제일 중요하기 때문에, 전체적인 아이디어를 다 포함해야 합니다~>
To begin with, building an agricultural research center helps to maintain the balance between business and agricultural industry of country. Supportive sentence 제시해주세요~ 아무것도 아닌 것처럼 보여도 이 두 문장이 튼튼하면 문단 전반적인 focus 가 맞춰지고 흐름이 잡힙니다. In these days, national agriculture is becoming weakened while the majority of people pay attention to business industry. The total area of farming land and the amount of agricultural production has been decreased for past few years. As this trend has been a form of social problem, the university needs to stimulate agricultural industry by building a new farming research center. Moreover, there are already a number of universities having business research centers. Therefore, it is important to focus on development of farming by investing on agricultural research rather than business.
On top of that, a new agricultural research center creates a number of jobs opportunities. 여기도 supportive sentence 가 없네요~ supportive sentence 는 이 앞문장을 뒷받침해주는 문장으로 왜 본인이 그러한 근거를 내세우게 되었는지를 보충설명해주는 역할을 합니다. A number of students graduated college of agriculture do not have chance to get jobs. As they already accumulated knowledges knowledge of farming, the university should provide them opportunities to perform advanced research. Not only that, as the research will improve the productivity of farming, more people will decide to take up farming. In case of Japan, many agricultural research centers have greatly developed the overall quality of agricultural production by implementing a number of projects. As a result, the number of people working on farming industry has been steadily increased.
Lastly, universities must invest on national farming. 이것이 advantage 인가요? 대학이 그 research center 에 이미 관심을 가지고 있고 투자가 확정되어 있는 상황이라면 advantage 이겠지만 “대학이 투자해야한다” 라는 주장 자체가 advantage 로 보이지는 않습니다. 그리고 supportive sentence 도 없네요..Even though the agriculture does not take a large part in national economy, it is important to invest on agricultural research. As agriculture is fundamental for people's lives, by promoting agricultural research, we can properly control national food supply. According to a recent survey, disregarding national farming may holds risk such as worldwide food crisis. For example, North Korea mainly supplied their food importing from overseas. However, few years ago, when the amount food import decreased due to the national economy economic crisis, millions of people suffered from unstable food resources and even some of them died of starvation. It shows how investment on agriculture is important for a country.
To sum up, building an agricultural research center will bring a lot of advantages. It will not only provide more employment, but also ensure the balance between business and agricultural industry. In this regard, I firmly believe that the university should build an agricultural research center rather than a business research center.
내용면에서 정보가 부족하거나 흐름이 제대로 잡혀있지 않은 부분들이 많이 있습니다. 다시 한번 주제에 대해 생각해보시고 적절하고 reasonable 한 근거과 보충설명을 서술해보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |