▶ Your Answer :
As society becomes more complex, some people are having a hard time to adjust to complex and fast changing society. Therefore, it is great worth to discuss whether parents should encourage their children to take a part-time job to adjust fast changing society well or not. (앞에 나온 문장과 자연스럽게 연결하기 위해서는 ‘to prepare for an adult life” 가 아니라 “to adjust fast changing society well” 이런 내용이 더 적합하지 않을까요?) Although some parents think children should not take a part-time job to concentrate only on studying, I think parents should encourage their children to take part-time jobs to prepare for an adult life. In this essay, I will dearly show and develop what I think and why I think this way.
First of all, students can learn value of money through experiencing themselves how hard earning money is by doing part-time job. 여기는 여전히 supportive sentence 가 없는 것 같네요~ 돈을 버는 일이 얼마나 힘든 일인지 part time job 을 하며 받는 시급과 자신들이 들인 노동력을 비교하며 깨닫게 된다 등의 support 할 수 있는 내용이 먼저 왔으면 좋겠네요.. Generally speaking, it is hard for students to know the value of money if they only study with the money that their parents support. However, they could suffer from financial crises by spending too much money if they do not know value of money. Therefore, it is important for students to experience part-time job since they could learn money cannot be easily earned and they could also know how to manage the money by spending money that they earn from part-time jobs. Here is my friend’s experience to illustrate the point. My friend, Sarah, grew up in wealthy family and did not know how hard earning money is and squandered parents’ money a lot until she started to work working as a part-time employee at the Korean restaurant. After she realized that money can be earned by 8hours of straight hard working, she stopped squandering her parents’ money and managed/handled the money that she got get wisely. This example shows that how part-time job is important for students to know about value of money and how to manage money wisely. 돈의 가치가 분명하게 드러나는 문장이 별로 없어보여요~ 돈의 가치를 강조하려면 학생들이 돈을 벌기 위해 해야하는 노력들/투자들을 부각시키면 좋지 않을까요?
Secondly, students can prepare for an adult life by experiencing part-time jobs since it teaches students abilities such as cooperation and responsibility. (첫 문장을 support 할 수 있는 문장이 clear 하게 드러나지 않습니다. 조금만 더 clear 하게 서술해주세요~) In general, abilities such as cooperation and responsibility are crucial for people to finish assigned tasks perfectly in the workplaces as responsibility is needed to finish the assigned tasks on time and cooperation is needed to finish the tasks wisely with their colleagues without any conflict. 내용이 계속 반복되는 거 보이시나요? 정리해주세요~ Therefore, it is better for students to experience part-time job since students can learn those abilities by managing assigned tasks as part-time employees. Here is a trust worthy research to clarify the point. According to the KRI, the most famous research institution in Korea, 70 percent of people who had experienced of part-time jobs showed great adaptation on workplaces than those who did not have any part-time job experience. This research demonstrates that how having a part-time job experience is important for students to adjust in a workplaces.
In conclusion, I think parents should encourage their children to work as part-time employees. This is not only because they can learn value of money but also it would help students to adjust in workplaces much easily with the abilities learned from part-time job. Therefore, I would suggest parents to encourage their children to experience part-time job.
내용적인 부분에서 약간의 정리가 필요해보입니다. 열심히 하시는 모습 아름답습니다~ 수고하셨습니다~
|