About two years ago, one famous research team of Seoul National University showed a surprising result about what factors were the most important factors about workplace among college students. Among many available options, the top priority is was not a wage and nor a social status, but gender equality. The increasing ratio of female worker in the workplace reflects this result. I firmly believe that it is a positive development and my opinion can be greatly substantiated by the reasons addressed below.
좋은 시작인 것 같아요.
First and foremost, corporations can utilize female workers' excellent abilities. In other words, the general strength point of female such as sympathy, sensitivity, and shrewdness can be used to enhance companies' output. Many psychologists and scientists generally agree that men and women have different comparative advantages, even though it should not be accepted absolutely. And from women's point of view, females' strength usually consists of understanding people's emotion, catching a small difference and using it as an opportunity. For instance, I am a worker of at a company producing soups to customers. Female workers in my company contacted contact with potential customers emotionally by showing warm attitudes, and they could to know what clients really wanted for their soups. They reflected applies customer's opinion and adapted to the soups, such as by improving aroma and design. It boosted my company's profit and as a result, those female workers were promoted afterwards. Based on this example, I support the idea that employing equal number of men and women workers can be financially beneficial both to company and workers.
Not only that, but also supporting gender equality in the workplace can make workplace’s culture environment fair and right. From the perspective of employees, many women mean that the greater voice from female workers. It can lead companies' working circumstances more favorable to women, and to both men and women in the long run. By accepting the idea of gender equality in company, many female workers can pursue their career dream as well as take the responsibility of mother's role (gender equality가 mother’s role을 할 수 있는 것과 어떤 연관이 있는지 설명 되어 있지 않습니다. Logically if women work, they are not likely to do good job as mothers). Also, employing hiring more women can correct biased view about gender role in the company. This Here is a good example of promoting gender inclusiveness in the society. According to a study conducted by an Yale University research team, those companies which give more chance to women in terms of hiring, promoting and wage, are more likely to succeed in the market place. The reason is that people regard this kind of company as more favorable to customers, and consequently they have a tendency to purchase more products and services from this those companies.
All things considered, The benefits outweight the costs when a firm adopts the policy of equally employing male and female equally. Therefore, I firmly believe that the workplace's future is rosy and people should accelerate this changing trend further.
전체적인 문장구성이나 문법은 좋은 것 같아요. 내용적인 면에서는 좀 더 설명을 해 주시는 게 좋을 것 같은 부분들이 좀 있네요. Further explanation을 해주시고 topic에서 벗어나지 않게 잘 focus 해 주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Intro나 conclusion 모두 간결하고 좋아요. Body에 조금 더 신경 써 주시면 될 것 같네요. 수고하셨습니다. |