▶ Your Answer :
Some argue that, nowadays, cooperation with neighborhood is not important due to individualization. I think, however, there is no doubt that the ability to cooperate well with others is more important now than in the past. It is because first, we face overwhelming amounts of work more than ever. Additionally, it helps people relieve stress.
First, today’s huge amount of work requires us to cooperate with each other. Currently, due to globalization and development of technology, people are expected to execute a large amount of work. (supportive sentence 가 될 수 있었는데 밑줄을 그은 이유는 “사람들이 일을 많~이 하게 되었다” 라는 것과 “이것이 세계화와 기술의 발달” 때문이라는 것 사이의 연결성을 발견하지 못하였기 때문입니다. 세계화가 된 것과 일이 많아진 것이 무슨 상관이 있죠?) Therefore, it is common that a person is in charge of something that was impossible to be handled by several people a few years ago. In this sense, people can’t live without cooperation. (의미를 보면 결국엔 처음 두 문장에서 했던 이야기의 반복이죠?) According to a report released by Korean Credit Bureau, most senior executives working at leading companies insist that cooperation with others was (왜 과거형이죠?) the most important key for success. They added that, nowadays, cooperation is more significant since it is unattainable for each person to obtain good result without assistance due to overwhelming work. (계속 협력하는 것이 중요하다는 말만 되풀이하고 있습니다..ㅠㅠ) They additionally said that if people learn how to cooperate with other then it will be shortcut to reduce burden in a work field. In this way, cooperation cannot be overlooked today when a lot of work must be handled effectively.
Second, cooperation can teach us how to interact with each other and relieve stress among people. supportive sentence!! Since we are living in the competitive society, relieving stress is essential as well as outcompeting others. One of way to get getting rid of stress is participating in various activities such as sports club(,) and cooperation is the key point for participation. For example, when I could join after-school activities and I could meet many new friends and get to know them on a personal level since I was outgoing person and tried to cooperate with other people. Specifically, I formed a strong bond with my friends by playing various sports and game. While doing these tasks, I could put my stress out of my mind. One of my friend, however, who was narrow-minded had hard time. He used to spend most of his time on reading and preparing at school library reading and preparing for university day and night at library and there was nowhere for dispelling the gloom. As At this case shows, people can improve their personal connections by acquiring the ability to cooperate with others. (친구들과 함께 놀면서 스트레스를 풀었다고 하셨는데요~ 그 예에서 cooperate 이 강조된 부분은 어디죠? 글 전반적으로 강조되어야 하고 증명되어야 할 부부들이 전혀 설명되어지지 않고 있습니다.)
In conclusion, I strongly believe that cooperation with others will help to take off burden of responsibility in the competitive society. Moreover, people can have effective leisure time with others by becoming cooperative.
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