A substantial number of people believe that it can be a stress that for children to learn about financial problems. However, on the contrary in contrast, it is evident that children should learn how to manage their own money. The fundamental reason behind this is that, it helps children to have a sense of responsibility and prevent financial mistakes in the future.
Your intro paragraph is good. 하지만 standpoint를 나타내는 sentence를 수정하는 게 좋을 것 같아요. “금전문제에 대해서 배우는 건 스트레스가 된다. 그러나 어린이들이 그들의 돈 문제를 manage 하는 건 명확하다.” 이런 식으로 해석이 됩니다. 한국어로 번역해도 어색함이 있지 않나요? 약간 수정 해서 더 부드럽게 이어지도록 해보세요.
First of all, learning how to manage their own money in childhood certainly improves children’s sense of responsibility. Children are likely to carefully consider to use or to save their own money. Children would plan to accumulate and use their money to get their goals ranging from toys to books. Therefore, children can naturally feel that they are responsible for finance. From my experience, I used to save my pocket money when I was young for clothes that I really wanted to wear. To build up collect money, I did small errands and did not buy other things such as candies, chocolates, and cookies. After I bought the clothes that I wanted, I felt more responsible and confident about financial problem. Therefore, it is evident that learning how to use money is definitely helps helpful for children to have a sense of responsibility
파란색으로 써드린 부분은 전체적인 수정이 필요한 sentence입니다. It’s a run-on sentence. 여러 개의 문장으로 나눠 쓰는 것도 좋은 방법일 것 같습니다.
Moreover, experiencing the financial problems in childhood prevents them from making mistakes. Child should have been grown seeing (unnecessary use of verbs/words) their parents’ mistakes and failures that varying from wrong investment to purchasing expensive car. Thanks to these things, children can prepare (use another word for it, if possible) the solutions and do not to make the same mistakes and failures. For instance, Jenny, one of my friends, has an experience that can illustrate this. She had seen her father’s wrong investment in stock market. Because of this experience, she does not want to invest her money without considerable information and makes a great investment to earn lots of profits.(수정이 필요한 부분입니다. 앞의 문장과 이어지지 않아요. This is grammatically wrong sentence.) Had it not been for this her childhood experience, she would not have had a good habit of financial investment.
살짝 off-topic으로 가신 것 같아요. Topic에서는 managing their own money가 위주인데 이 paragraph는 learning from parents’ mistake에 focus가 가는 것 같아요.
In conclusion, without any doubt, I firmly believe that children should know how to manage their own money. The reason is that learning about financial problems makes children more responsible and prevents them from making financial failure in the future.
전체적으로 나쁘지 않아요. 내용적인 면에 약간의 수정이 필요합니다. It is very important to stay on the topic that’s given. 문법적으로는 sentence structure에 주의를 기울여 주시길 바랍니다. 그리고 have+ p.p 나 have+현재진행형 등을 사용한 문장을 많이 쓰시는데 불필요한 부분이 많아요. It can distract reader. 그 외에 intro나 conclusion은 잘 쓰신 것 같아요. Clear 합니다. 수고하셨습니다.