These days, many students tend to avoid to be being a scientist because of low salary and hard workload. As a result, national competition of our country on the part of science is declining. (문법적으로 틀린 문장은 아니지만 수정을 하는 게 좋을 것 같아요. Sentence doesn’t convey its meaning clearly.) However, the development of science makes our life more convenient. Therefore, I firmly believe that every college students need to take basic science courses because the advance of technology results from concerns on the part of science, and, by taking these courses, one can find their own aptitude more properly.
Intro는 좋습니다. Clear한 의견과 body paragraph에 대한 hint가 잘 들어가 있어요.
First of all, interest on the science leads to the development of that part field. This is due to the fact that the more students learn in specific science part, the better ideas comes out of them from them. For example, the success of professor Hwang woo-seok in embryo stem cell field makes many university students to choose their major as molecule biology, which bring about our country to be a powerhouse in molecule biology realm.
마지막에 example과 topic을 연결시키는 concluding sentence를 한 문장 더 추가하는 것도 좋은 방법 일 것 같습니다. 다음 example이 aptitude를 찾는데 도움이 되는 거라고 쓰셨으니 이번 example에서는 더 많은 idea가 나오는 것에 focus해주셔야 합니다.
On top of that, taking various subjects helps students to choose their major. Taking myriads of classes can broaden students' horizons. Thus, those who have common sense in many domains can understand their own aptitude better. According to the ministry of education of Korea in 2011, the number of students choosing science as a major after taking science course is increasing. Some students even change their major from humanities to science.
All in all, it is clear that each every students have to take basic science classes in order to find their aptitude as well as achieve the development of science. As the old adage is saying, 'knowledge is a power'. We should nurture and strengthen our mental strengthen through having a concern knowledge on various domains, especially science.
어휘의 사용이 좀 제한적인 것 같아요. 다양한 단어와 표현을 써주시는 게 좋아요. Subject-verb agreement를 더 신경 써 주세요. 정확한 주어가 무엇인지 파악하고 verb를 알맞은 form으로 써 주셔야 합니다. 내용적인 면에선 괜찮은 것 같습니다. 하지만 조금 더 focus되게 써주시는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 두 가지의 reason들이 정확하고 clear하게 설명 되어야 합니다. 수고하셨습니다.