Society has drastically changed due to a great many of mistakes that human being made. Nowadays, a the world is coping with a large number of problems that individuals must solve. Hence, people begin to do some tasks as quickly as possible. Individuals do not even have time to take a little bit of rest. However, I strongly disagree with them for in several grounds.
To begin with, if we only aspire to do something quickly, we might not have fruitful results due to the fact that we would not have time to check and rearrange. According to the Harvard University, 80 percent of students prefer to take their time to consider again check their work twice before doing tasks. What is more is that there will be more opportunities to obtain profitable results, if we earnestly do something, not cursorily. To be specific, when I was a pupil, I was often admonished by my professor due to my habit of hurrying. I always coveted wanted(or 다른 word 사용해주세요.) to do homework as quickly as possible. He(주어가 무엇을 refer하는지 clear하지 않습니다. My professor이라고 써주시는 게 좋습니다.) endeavored me to change my habits and, as a result, I started doing to do everything slowly and in contemplating manner. This example illuminates that how hurrying is detrimental for to individual.
일을 천천히 하게 된 이후 결과물이 얼마나 더 좋아졌는지에 대해서 써 주셔야 합니다. Paragraph의 첫 부분은 ‘fruitful results 를 얻을 수 있다.’로 시작해서 마지막은 ‘quickly work하는 habit이 slower해졌다.’로 끝나네요. Topic에 맞게 focus 해주세요.
On top of that, in the event that we only hurry and get things done quickly (sentence doesn’t make sense. It needs to be fixed), we will be extremely indifferent workaholic and apathetic to other individuals. Due to the fact that we will not have any time to feel and share any ideas with each other, thanks to busy (This sentence also doesn’t make sense. I can’t understand what you are trying to say here. 아이디어를 공유할 시간이 없기 때문에 ~하다. 라고 써 주셔야 합니다. Comma 뒤에 ‘~하다’ 부분을 써 주세요.). Additionally, there is a famous quote that I really love: ‘“live slowly, think different and love more“. For instance, my brother was extremely busy due to his business. He was intensely exhausted and busy so that he did not house have time to take a rest, and he became isolated. I gave priceless advice to him and he started having to have time and dealing to deal with problems slowly. Consequently, everything went very well. Therefore, this is an illustration which shows that facing the world slowly is really beneficial and practical for people.
Even though, some people still allege that living in a slow pace is wasting waste of time and energy, I strongly and firmly disagree with them for these two reasons which are mentioned in my essay. Not only doing everything quickly could disturb individuals, but it also makes people indifferent and apathetic.
전체적으로 이유들이 slowly working하는 것에 대한 advantage가 아닌 fast pace에서 slow pace로 바뀐 것에 focus 되어있는 것 같아요. 수정하는 것이 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법적으로 크게 문제되는 부분은 없으나 sentence structure을 고쳐야 할 부분이 조금 있어요. Conclusion은 좋습니다. Conclusion에 disagree하는 이유를 두 가지 써 주셨는데요. Body paragraph와 이어지지 않습니다. body들을 수정해주세요. 어떻게 individual을 disturb하는지 써주시고 사람들이 어떻게 indifferent 하고 apathetic한지 써주셔야 합니다. 내용적인 면을 고쳐주세요. 수고하셨습니다. |