▶ Your Answer :
Governments collect the money that we earn with our time and effort, spend on researching outside earth, the universe. Most universe researchers will agree that concerning (concerning 자체가 about 입니다.) about the matter of “outside” of the earth is more important than “inside”. Some may even say that without knowing about universe, there is no way we can know about our earth. However, I oppose with the researcher’s point of view. What I mean is earthly matters are more important than outer space matter. Thus, governments should fund more on the exploration on earthly matter. 이런문장 보다는 자신이 그렇게 생각하는 이유 2가지를 언급하거나 본론에서암시하겠다고 써주시는게 좋습니다.
To start with, exploring outer space doesn’t let people feel secured, instead making people even feel panic and helpless. (전개가 너무 빨리 진행되는 느낌이드네요, 바로 예시보다는 일반서술 후에 써주는것도 좋을것 같아요.) This is evidenced by the article about Meteorites Collision that earth is going to collide with big meteorites and it will cause 100 time serious damage than the Hiroshima nuclear bomb had on entire Japan. Also, we often see the article about Planet Explosion that our earth is going to burst affected by huge explosion. To illustrate this point, scientists predicted that due to the excessive use of natural resources and tainted environments, our earth is going to collapse in 2012. On top of that, there is a movie called “2012” predicting earth collapse by showing miserable consequences it will bring in every detail. However, those predictions never happened, instead it only made people got afraid of dying.
Likewise, researching about universe and announcing unfortunate news does not make people secured and happy, (왜 secure하고 happy가 나오나요?earthy matter VS researching planet 아닌가요? 그렇다면, 왜 더중요한지에 대해서 다뤄주는게중요햐지.... 너무 단점으로만 파고든게 아닌가 싶네요. but just make people feel they are too weak and small to prevent earth collapse.
Also, knowledge from the research of outer space is useless since we cannot apply in our common life. (여기서도 바로 예시로 넘어가네요..ㅎㅎ 잠깐 일반서술뒤에 써주시는게 좋아요) For example, human sent expensive exploring robot to Mars, Venus, Mercury and moon to discover what they are made of and how they are formed. As a result, we concluded from our research that Mars is made of iron, it has strong magnetic force and it has no atmosphere. Also, it is announced that Venus is made of coal and Mars is made of this and that. But, did the discovery made any changes in our life? Did it solve unemployment and help those homeless people? The answer is no.
To sum up, I disagree that government should put more importance on outer space matter than earthly matter. This is because outside matter only makes us worried and helpless. Furthermore, it is useless since those researches cannot help us with living. On the whole, universe is future but earth is our reality. Government should turn down-to-earth and face our reality directly.
Comment: 문법문제로는 하나도 문제가 되는게 없습니다. 하지만, 본론전체가, 에쎼이 주제와는 다른방향으로 흘러가는듯한 느낌이 드네요. 차라리, 현재 earthy matter list 를 만들어 보시고, 거기서 중요한것 몇가지 택하신다음에 , 그것들을 먼저해결해야한다, 그리고 이유를 언급해주는게... 더좋을것같아요. 꼭 굳이 우주에 투자하는거에 대한단점을 찾으려고 할 필요가없다는 생각입니다 ㅎㅎ . 수고하셨어요~
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