▶ Your Answer :
Opinions vary as to whether children should learn how to manage their money when they are young to be financially responsible adults. I agree that parents or teachers should teach their children how to manage money as early as possible. First, if children know the way of managing money, they less likely to face economic risk when they grow up. Second, learning how to manage money is very helpful for children to prepare their future against fluctuating economic situation. (아직까지는 어떻게 생각하느냐에 따라서 두 가지가 매우 유사한 근거로 보이기도 합니다. 분명한 차이점이 본론에서 서술되어야 할 것입니다.)
Most of all, learning knowledge of managing money allows children to reduce the risk of financial problem. (why do you think so? Supportive sentence 를 써주세요~) Some people may think that people can learn naturally how to manage their money as they grow up. However, if we found the necessity of financial managing skill after growing up, the financial loss is so big that we have difficulties to recover the loss. Let me take my friend for this instance. One of my friends did online business after graduation. It was online shopping mall that he chose instead of getting a job. He showed very good grades in school and was very creative and smart. From the beginning of his business, he could earn a lot of money because his unique items and his creative idea attracted many people. However, while he was expanding his business, he spent more money than he could afford. He could not realize the shortage of money until his business needed more money. Actually, the businessman sometimes experience shortage of money even though the business goes very well. Finally, my friend failed to run the business because of lack of money. The only thing left on him was a lot of debt form bank. When he found the importance of managing money, the loss was too large for him to cover be recovered.
Furthermore, if children know the know-how of financial management, they can do everything anything they want in even economic downturn. (supportive idea 를 써주세요~) The economic situation has been fluctuating for several decades. This means that we have to make every effort to stay afloat adapting fast-changing world. Someday, students need to pay their tuition (fee) or to buy their own car or house. Everything requires money. Students have to know how to earn, save(,) and manage their money. However, only students’ grade and test scores are the prime focus of teacher and parents. Naturally, most schools are mainly concerned about how to discipline students and make sure they are not distracted from studying. No one tries try to teach students how to make and manage money. This situation makes students become more dependent on their parents. To help our students become strong survivor in current demanding world, teaching skills related to managing money is very important. This is the best way to help our children prepare uncertain economic environment. (financial management 하는 방법을 알면 can do anything they want 한다는 내용을 증명해줄 만한 내용은 없어보입니다. 중간에 내용이 현재의 교육상황은 그렇지 않음을 지적하는 데로 넘어가서 그대로 마무리되었습니다.ㅠ)
In conclusion, teaching children how to manage their money is very required. It is because first, children can prevent the future risk of financial problem through learning how to manage money. Second, Knowledge of financial management is essential to live fast-changing world. (fast changing world 에서 financial management skill 이 어떻게 어디에 필요한지 서술되지 않았음을 다시 한번 말씀드립니다~)
전반적으로 괜찮은 표현력을 가지고 계신 것 같습니다. 그러나 내용면에서 약간 뒷받침이 부족한 경향을 보이고 있으니 내용을 탄탄하게 보충하시는데 주력하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또 중간중간에 문법적 오류가 보이는데 작은 것도 놓치지 않을 수 있도록 반드시 proofreading 하시길 바랍니다. 수고하셨습니다. |