▶ Your Answer :
It is evident that technology has far reaching implications our lives in the contemporary society. Some people might think that technology has made our children less creative than in the past. In my opinion, however, I disagree with this statement. There are a number of cogent reasons to support my argument, but I will mainly focus on the two most crucial ones. First, by thinking creative, technology can develop our society. Two most crucial ones 라고 했는데 하나만 제시하셨네요? 수정해주세요~
To begin with, the most significant reason for my argument is that by thinking creative, technology is able to develop our society.( àCreative thinking will help to develop technology which greatly affects society.이런 의미로 쓰신 건가요?) Technology 가 아이들을 less creative 하게 했다는 의견에 반대하는 입장이시죠? 그렇다면 technology 가 창의력 개발에 긍정적인 영향을 미친다가 주장이 되겠고, 그에 맞는 근거가 필요한데 지금 서술하신 내용에서는 근거가 될 만한 것이 없는데요? 이번 문단 다시 생각해보시고 근거 만들어주시길 바랍니다. Technology tends to affect on our society. Let’s take my friend Tom, whom I went to college with. His major was a science with technology. When he was child, he often had creative thinking. He could be manager in company with technology after graduation because of his creative thinking. After, he could develop technology about smart phone. Now, this is able to be affects on our economical development.
To second, the most significant reasons for my arguing in this way is that by thinking creative about technology, we can earn much money. By thinking creative 라고 표현하신 것 부터가 글의 방향을 잘못 잡으신 것이라고 생각됩니다. 다시 한번 말씀드리지만 technology made our children less creative 에 반대하는 입장을 설명하기 위한 근거를 서술해주셔야 합니다. 왜 technology 가 아이들을 creative 하게 했는지를요! Let’s take my friend Cessy, whom I went to college with. When she was child, she had creative thinking about a lot of field. After, she was company owner. She could get much money because she had creative thinking with computer. She could develop computer technology by thinking creative. Then her business can expand a lot of field with technology and she could be rich.
All things considered, with the reasons mentioned above, I firmly believe that my argument regarding this topic has been clearly and precisely delivered. Never should we forget that this issue may have huge impacts on our future.
Topic 정확하게 파악하시고 근거들도 다시 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다. |