(이 뒤에 내용이 더 오면 좋겠습니다)
First of all, Main
reason for my feeling this way is associated with the concept of ingenuity.
(붙여주세요) fiction
movies don`t show something about real life. Its authors aim to describe
something new and ingenious. When we who are accustomed to ordinary and routine
life meet and see their new work(s), we can
expand our limited thought(s) and have a new perspective and
way which we look at (about) material (the world). This is why that
such a movie(s) is (are) related to the originality. A really nice
example can be seen in Avatar(movie) which is made in 2009. This movie is very
popular and (was) evaluated positively all over the world because this (it) showed new and fresh story, like animal(s) which cannot be
seen on the earth (Earth), land
floating on
(above) the earth, (and the) character of alien which is different from human (unclear;
perhaps, ‘characteristics’?). These new stories can motivate and
help us to think with special and new (point of)
view. Even though this movie doesn`t depict something about real life, it have (has) another
advantages as mentioned above (You’ve mentioned only one advantage: having a
new perspective).
Another reason for my argument is related
to the concept expansion of fiction. Avatar shows a fight between greedy humans
and (the suffering) alien(s). We don`t stop confining their fight to themselves (unclear;
perhaps ‘itself’?). We can apply this to various things
like struggle between race and race, human and nature, (and)
country and country. By showing many sides of life, fiction movie makes us
think of present issue(s) and problems with other
views. (You just rounded up the 2nd
paragraph with the same point you just made on the previous paragraph!!)
In conclusion, I think that these arguments
should adequately explain and support my position on the prompt. (Conclusion 내용은 summary와 punch line이 필요합니다. “따라서,
제 주장은 설득력이 있습니다”라고 쓴다면 조금 어색하지 않나요?^^;;)
작성자님께서는 ‘and’을 통한 연결을 너무 자주 사용하시는 것 같아요. 불필요한 단어도 자주 보입니다. 따라서 더 간결하게 쓰는 연습을 하신다면 두 가지 문제점을 한번에 잡을 수 있는 좋은 에세이가 나올 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다.