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Thesedays, teenagers are little different compared to my experience. In my view, most of youngsters are
very weak and dependent in both mentally and physically. I wonder how they would bear if they face society in reality. To solve this problem, I believe that part-time jobs will be a great help for ones to prepare for adult life. (여기서 자신이 주장하는 side으 ㅣ이유2가지 짧게 말하거나 본론에서 언급한다고 써주시면좋겠네요 ㅎㅎ)
First and foremost, real experience is more important than learning only the theories. There is a Korean old proverb, "It's better to see it once than hearing it a thousand times". I strongly belive that experience is better for one to learn rather than any others. In addition, sometimes one have to just put himself in real circumtance to acquire vivid memory. 너무 짧아요. 즉 부족한 내용들이 많이 있다는 겁니다. 일단 토픽센텐스를 던지셨으면 그걸 책임질 수 있는 문장들로 연결해나가셔야합니다. 자꾸 경험경험, 실제상황만 언급하시지, 그걸 알바와 같이 묶어서 전개하지않으셨기 떄문에 off topic이 될 수가있습니다. 항상 주제, 토픽센텐스와 연관지으며 에쎄이 써주세요!.)
On top of that, one can definetely know the importance of value of money. As one experience in a real work site, he/she would learn how much hard to earn the money. It will make one more considerate about their future life seriously. This is perfact impulse than any other words. (돈의 중요성을 안다고 해주셨습니다. 그리고 더신중하게 만들어 준다고 하셨습니다. 그게 어른이 되는것과 연관이 있는지에대해 좀더 자세히 언급해 주시고,그리고, 경험이나 통계예시로 짧게 전개하시면서 본론의 주장을 좀더 확고하게 해주셨으면 좋겠네요 ㅎㅎ)
To conclude, it is hard to say youngsters are easy to change their attitudes. In order to make them act, it is recommendable to put them in the real site. One would not easilly forget what he/she experienced.
Comment: 에쎄이의 분량이 상당히 부족합니다. 그렇기 때문에 지금 아이디어에 여러가지 error도 많이 생기게 됩니다. 몇문장 몇자차이가 상당히 크게작용되요.. 참고해주시고요 수고하셨습니다 ㅎ
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