▶ Your Answer : An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether being happy with a job is more important than having a high salary. The answer to this question can vary greatly, depending on the individual perspectives. But, as far as I am concerned, I belive that being happy with a job is the most important factor at work. In this essay, I will present two reasons supporting my standpoint as follows.
(뚜렷하고 깨끗한 느낌으로 잘 쓰여긴 인트로같아요^^ )
To begin with, being happy with a job lends itself to success in work. This is because, If people choose jobs they are passionate about, they have a much higher chance for success. Let me take my personal experience as an example. When I was working in AT&T, which is very stressful but lucrative working place, Although I earned a large amount of money, I always got stressed from a heavy load of work. Therefore (So 보다는 therefore 사용이 적절해 보여요) I changed my job. I took an Electrical Engineering position because I love studying the field of Electricity and Electronics. Then, my work efficiency and productivity were improved tremendously and I could be one of the best Electrical engineers in my new company. I found my calling and I think that while some believe money to be a great motivator, nothing compares to the results of following one's dream. (실 경험을 토대로 준 보기가 설득력있게 보이고 이해하기 수월해서 좋은거 같아요~)
On top of that, as time passing(passes), the value of money itself is decreasing. This is because, nowadays, most of people can earn enough money to sustain their fundamental life. According to the research of the Korea Financial Research Institute, which is the largest researching company in the south korea, in 2030, every people every는 대명사로 쓰이지 않고 수량형용사로만 쓰입니다. 그래서 every of people 은 어색하게 보여요. every 와 each 뒤에는 항상 단수가 쓰여요~^^ most of people 또는 all of the people가 쓰일 수 있지요~^^in the world can totally overcome the shortage of food such as famine. So, in the future, people can 동사가 빠졌네요! earn enough money to buy basic staples and they even can earn exceed money for sustaining their luxurious life. So, due to the advancement of technologies, everyone will not worry about impoverishment anymore and this will lead to the situation that the value of money is tremendously decreased. So, as time passing(passes), people will pursue their happy(happiness) more than their incomes.
In conclusion, I strongly argue for my standpoint on account of the two reasons mentioned above. Once again, the verdict may still be out, I personally believe that two of my rationales are sufficiently convincing enough to represent the viewpoints of a majority of people who are in favor of my claim.
개인적으로 인트로는 매우 뚜렷하고 깔끔하게 잘 쓰였고, 일했었던 경험등을 토대로 설명한것은 설득력있고 supportive한 느낌을 받은 에세이에요~ 문법과 단어선택도 매우 좋았고, 좋은 점수 받으실꺼 같아요^^*
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