▶ Your Answer :
Some people often are used to think that they
would have better life than present if they were
born in the past I birthed in past, it would have been better
life than present? They think that it is easier more
possible to succeed in the past because of
the low competition rate for entrance examination or finding
a job getting a job. However, it is a the
wrong idea. In the past, job seeker had desire to get
high salary which was as strong as now the job’s popularity of high
salary is great too. Plus, in modern life, owing
to emergence of new occupations and developed technology, there are more many jobs offered fields
of job. Then, this offers us diverse opportunities to achieve success. In
my essay, I will briefly present two reasons to support my opinion.
To start with, modern
society makes more varied domains of career to succeed than past. Compared to
the past, there were a little mount of jobs such as farmer, merchant,
fisherman. 1. In modern society, lots of occupations requires job seekers to be equipped with required thorough vary analysis and planning skills appeared.
2. This means that we have a great deal of opportunities to succeed without high
competition. In a survey, the rate of people who earn much money in
original career has increased extremely from 3% to 16%. Consequently, it becomes easier to succeed in many fields of job in
modern society life are useful to making easy
to succeed.
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1번 문장만 읽었을 때는 현대 사회에서는 다양한 분석과
계획능력을 구직자들에게 요구한다는 의미로 받아들였는데, 이것으로 인해 심한 경쟁없이 더 많은 기회를
얻었다는 2번문장 때문에 앞문장의 의미에 의문이 들었습니다. 1번문장만
보면 결코 경쟁이 약해졌다는 느낌을 받을 수 없습니다. “다양성이 존중되어 획일화된 기준으로 사람을
뽑기 보다는 여러가지 기준을 가지고 선발하기 때문에 경쟁률이 줄었다” 는 의미를 전달하시고자 했다면
문장을 다시 써주시기 바랍니다~
On top of that, we have many chances to achieve
a goal through the advanced technology. This is because
trades among different countries have been increased
with the help of development of technology it leads opportunities of
trade to increase. For examples, especially in information technology, it
is obvious that we have individual computers to connect more people in
online, conveniently order goods and sell products without
go shopping so we can order goods and sell my products without go
shopping. In addition, thanks thankful
to improved transportation, we can easily receive
easily goods from company located far away. For this reasons, we
are able to trade in all of items among various people even foreigner. We can
earn much money through online trades. In my experience, one of my friends
makes an easy gain through online shopping mall at his an
early age. The reason that he could can
make money was is due to the advanced
technology.
To sum up, in all ages, there is no doubt that the
best method to succeed of success is just unlimited struggle. However, we have
more opportunities to earn much money in all areas than before. Also, the
advanced technology brings about new route for trade, helping lots of people to
succeed. For these reasons, I agree with the topic.
글의 몇 부분에서는 문장 순서의 변화가 필요함이 보였습니다. 바디 2 같은 경우, 친구의 예를 먼저 서술하시고 그 예를 통해 알 수 있는 점들, 세계 여러 곳곳에서 거래가 이루어 질 수 있다는 문장등을 배치하시는 것이 낫지 않을까 라는 생각이 듭니다. 수고하셨습니다. ^^ |