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In my country, Korea, Most people in Korea try to attend to university, especially top university. So Koreans begin to compete fiercely each other from young age(,) and this phenomenon brings a lot of stress to students. But there are considerable reasons why people study hard all night to attend university. 일단 topic 이 뭔가요? 대학을 가야하나 말아야하나 인가요? 아니면 대학을 가야하는 이유가 무엇인지를 서술해야하는건가요? Intro에서부터 확실하게 잡아주시는 것이 중요합니다!! ^^
First, there is a are big gap in the payment of payment between people the person who graduate gradautes from university and others who do does not. (why does it so?) To be specific, if the one who does not graduate university enters the company, he or she gets lower payment than the one who graduates university. (이미 서술하신 첫번째 문장에 이 내용은 나와있습니다…) And my friend actually experienced this unfair treatment affair. She got a job right after she graduated high school did not attend university but directly work in the company. But her payment is actually lower than others who graduate university. So this wage system different payment forces Koreans to enter the university. 같은 말만 되풀이하는 문단이었던 것 같습니다. 예시로 드신 친구의 이야기도 사실상 주어만 people 에서 친구로 바뀌었을 뿐입니다.
Second, Koreans tend to consider other's view(,) As more than 90 percent of high school graduates enter the university, people who do not go to university would be despised by others which means that they think that if they are not graduated from university, they will be despisd by others. So they think that attending university become an is obligation of them. For example, one of my friends got gets low score for university entrance exam, but she applied applies for the university even if it is not considered as good. She chose chooses to attend the university even though it is not one of prestigious schools the bad university because she thought thinks that others, even family members, would despise her if she did not go to university if she does not attend the university others, including her family, might despise her. So the other's point of view is also important part of the reason for attending university.
In conclusion, people think that they have to attend the university. It is because people who have university degree get higher payment they get different money depending on whether they are graduated from the univeristy or not. Another reason is that especially Korean people consider how others think about them other's thinking about them. So these two reasons explain why people in Korea desire to attend the university.
Comment 해드린 내용 참고하셔서 수정하실 부분 수정해보시면 좋을 것 같아요! 예시도 다양하게 들어보시면 좋겠구요~ 수고하셨습니다! ^^ |