■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer | |
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▶ Your Answer :
다시첨삭
Today, people’s interest in education system is getting increased. Hence, it is great worth to discuss whether it is easier to become educated person in modern society than in the past. Although some people think that it is much easier to being educated in the past, I think that modern people can take high level of education much easily than before. In this essay, I will dearly show and develop what I think and why I think this way. (become educated person 이라는 표현이 반복적으로 사용되고 있네요~ 여러가지로 바꿔보시는 것이 좋을 것 같습니다. Being educated, take high level of education 등등이요~)
First of all, modern people can be educated by numerous media which provide a lot of information that help people to be educated. In general, unlike people who live in the past where there was no electricity, most of the modern people know how to access to the numerous media that provide all sort of information and lectures that could be utilized when people study. Therefore, modern people can take high level of education than people in the past who had to learn something only from their family or at school. Here is a trustworthy research to illustrate the point. According to the KRI, the most famous research institution in Korea, 70 percent of people aged from 20 to 30 answered that they get a lot of information that is needed to research through internet anytime. This research demonstrates that how modern people can be educated by various media that provide rich information than people in the past. àeducation 이라는 점과 get a lot of information 을 구별해서 사용하시면 좋을 것 같아요. 단순 정보를 얻는 것과 교육은 다르잖아요? 온라인 강의와 같은 부분들을 강조하시는 것이 더 적절한 근거라 될 수 있겠다는 생각이 듭니다.
Secondly, modern people can study in much better environment than people in the past. Generally speaking, as people’s interest in education increased, many organizations and individuals are trying to make best environment for students to learn comfortably. Thus, students in modern society can learn and understand any kind of information better and can being educated easier than people in the past who had to struggle with stress that gained from study without any assistance. Here are two examples that make best circumstances for students to clarify the topic. Firstly, Korean government is funding for schools to provide scholarship to motivate students to study without any financial concern. Secondly, individual people are donating for schools to provide best facility such as sports center and running track to students to spend their leisure time with sports so that they can refresh themselves and concentrate better on study. (refresh 해주는 best facility는 무엇을 말하는 걸까요? 애매한 표현보다는 정확하게 짚어주세요~) This two examples shows that how modern people can be educated person in settled environment than people in the past. à 과거에 비해 훨씬 나아진 환경 – 에어컨, 난방기, 사물함 등등 – 을 구체적으로 밝혀주시고 생생한 요즘 학생들의 이야기까지도 써주신다면 더욱 설득력있겠죠?
In conclusion, I think people from modern society can easily be educated person than ancestors. This is not only because modern people can learn a lot of information from numerous media but also many organizations and individuals are donating for students to study in the best environment.
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확실히 코맨트 해주신 부분을 보니깐 제가 혼자 다시봤을때보다 부족한부분이 눈에 확 들어오더라구요!ㅜㅜ
항상 너무 감사드립니다 ㅠㅠ
이번에는 저번에 코맨트 달아주신것처럼 표현 바꾸려구 노력해보구 그리고 내용적으로 부족한 부분에서 원래 문맥상 흐트러지지않게 제선에서 다시 살을 붙여봤어요~ 그런데 제가 덧붙인 example 이나 뒷받침 문장들이 적절한지 잘 모르겠네요ㅜㅜ
빨강색 호호님이 코맨트 해주신 부분 놔두고 다른부분들 조금씩 고쳐봤습니다!
내용적으로 더 붙여야 할 부분이나 부족한부분 한번만 더 봐주세용~ ㅜㅜ
부족한 제 에세이 봐주시려면 항상 머리많이아프실건데 ㅠㅠ
항상 실질적인 코맨트 너무 감사드립니다! ㅠㅠ