▶ Your Answer :
There are many parents who to help their children's schoolwork. However, I think that helping children is not good for them their chidren because they cannot learn their own study methods (공부하는 방법을 배우지 못한다는 건가요? Because they cannot grasp/learn the best way to study for them) and helping homework is not small part. (이건 어떤 의미에서 쓰신 건가요? 아이들의 입장에서 숙제를 통해 많은 것을 배울 수 있는 데 그 부분을 부모들이 해주면 그만큼 배울 수 있는 것을 못배우기 때문에 not small part 라고 하신건가요? Body 에서는 이 문장이 clear 하게 설명되어야합니다! ^^)
To begin with, children learn many things from their parents. 부모가 아이를 도우지 말하야 한다는 본인의 의견에 대한 첫 근거는 아이들이 자신에게 맞는 학습법을 스스로 터득해야한다는 거였습니다. 그런데 첫 시작부터 Intro에서 암시한 내용과 좀 다르게 나오네요. 방향을 다시 잡으실 필요가 있어보입니다. 이 뒤의 문장들은 문법을 위주로 보겠습니다. They also learn study habit from their parents. If parents always help their children, their children cannot learn how to study study habit and they will not do their work even though they can easily handle it due to parents’ help can think that they can delay their work due to that helping. Actually, what parents should do is to guide their children and lead them to do homework themselves parents can guide the school work, but parents shold adjust their intervene. In my case, my parents always did not interfere in doing intervene my schoolwork. When I was middle school student, there was a lot of vacation homework. However, I went to out everyday and I did not finish my homework. The last day in my vacation, I cried and asked my parents to help me. However, they did not help me. After the day, I learned that my work is mine and I must finish this assignment by myself. If that time, my parents helped me and I finished my work more easily at that time, I do not think the homework is not mine and I would hand my work others can delay my work right before due date.
Secondly, 본인의 두 번째 이유가 바로 이 자리에 올 수 있도록 해주세요. some people says that schoolwork is very small part, so helping is reasonable. However, small part can become do big part and also for children, it is not small part. Adult can do better rather than children. For example, there are some art assignments for children. The mother of children is a painter. By finishing the homework, the children chilren requires mother's help. If the mother helps to finish the assignment, maybe the assignment is the best in the class. From this, the students can learn bad habit and it can be repeated repeted. I think it is not small part and it can be big part. For that reason parents should parnets shold encourage their children to children work independently rather than help to their children. 근거가 탄탄하게 받쳐주는 글은 아닌 것 같습니다. 논리적으로 organize 되어있으면서 뒤의 문장이 앞을 뒷받침해주는 식으로 문단이 구성되어야 잘 써진 글이라고 할 수 있습니다.
전반적으로 예시도 구체적이지 않고 단순합니다. 말하고자 하는 바가 예시 하나로 딱! 드러날 수 있도록 자세하게 쓰시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 뒤로 올수록 typographical error 가 많으니 끝까지 집중해주시면 좋겠습니다! 글을 다 쓰신 후에는 proofreading을 해주셔서 줄일 수 있는 실수는 줄이시는 것이 바람직하겠습니다~ 다음에는 conclusion 까지 써보세요~ ^^ 수고하셨습니다! J
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