▶ Your Answer :
Nothing could be perfect in this world There is nothing in this world that can be perfect. And It is same for the countries. no country can be perfect/ not all countries are perfect. (첫번째 문장과 같은 pattern 이라서 조금 수정했어요) It is obvious that each country has different positive and negative factors. Each people have has different opinion on what perfect country is/ different views regarding "the perfect country." (첫 문장부터 여기까지 문장들 간 긴밀하게 연결된다는 느낌은 별로 들지 않습니다.) If I could change one thing about the country I am living in, then I would like to change the education system (to have more variety). (그래서 글의 주제는 교육제도를 어떤 식으로 바꾸고 싶은지에 대해 논의하는 건가요? 아니면 교육제도를 바꿔야하는 이유에 대해 논의하는 건가요? 이 부분을 clear 하게 명시하시면 좋겠습니다.)
First, there are increasing number of new jobs in this fast developing society With the fast developing society, the variety of jobs are increasing. With the number of available jobs increasing, the educational system should adapt to develop abilities that new jobs require be adapting to the new jobs. However, the educational system has been standing still, not moving an inch. It is true that the curriculum does change every year. But, with courses unchanged, will it really affect the children who are planning to get a job which requires ability that cannot be learned in this curriculum (짐작으로 써놓은 문장이니 내용 흐름 다시 생각해보시고 써주세요~) on doing jobs completely irrelevant to the system, whether it is changed or not? (우선 academic writing 에서는 질문형식의 문장을 만들지 않도록 합시다~ 다음으로는 이 문장이 무엇을 말하고자 하는지 모르겠어요. 이 질문 앞문장에서는 it is true that the curriculum does change every year 이라고 했어요~ 그런데 또 그 앞에서는 educational system 은 그대로라고 했고요. However 이후로 어떤 논리적인 흐름으로 글을 쓰실 것인지 구체적으로 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같습니다.) For example, one has decided to become a pet psychologist (it IS an actual job, yes). It is surely hard for him to prepare for achieving his dream since there is no subjects like psychology and zoology in high school curriculum But, with high school not providing the courses related for such jobs like that such as psychology or zoology, how can one discover or dream to become a pet psychologist? (again. Please do not ask a question in academic writing.) For that reason, I think more subjects should be included in regular curriculum/ education system should have more variety.
전반적으로 내용 수정이 필요해보이며 문장을 clear 하게 쓰시는 연습까지 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |